Dead Presidents

Anonymous Asks:

Are you upset that youre not in Austin for the sxsw festival this year?

deadpresidents Said:

Oh, man, I’m totally bummed that I’m not there so that I can be stuck in ridiculous traffic because of the fact that the city is too small and the highway system leading to-and-from downtown is too poorly-designed to accommodate the number of people who go to a football game at the University of Texas a half-dozen times each fall, let alone the crowds which converge on the city annually for its signature event.

(And I said that the highway system leads “to-and-from” downtown because it doesn’t get you “around” downtown. That requires surface streets because, apparently, nobody thought that a business loop running East-to-West and vice versa anywhere near Austin’s central business district was a good idea. I mean, that makes sense, right? Every other major city has one, but that makes it the establishment thing to do and Austin doesn’t play that game. It’s even called a “business” loop in other cities, so think about how corporate it must be…you’ve gotta “Keep Austin Weird”, so bring on the traffic.)

I’m especially bummed out if I also end up missing out on any of Austin’s wonderful weather. I haven’t looked at the forecast for SXSW, but it’s Austin, so I’m guessing that at least a few days of the festival will be either unbearably hot or ridiculously humid and sticky. Living uncomfortably is probably what I miss most about Texas.

Hey, at least there probably won’t be anybody playing an acoustic guitar in front of a Starbucks while ironically wearing a Livestrong bracelet along with a flannel shirt, ratty jeans, and black Chucks that they actually bought from Target but dragged from their bicycle in order to make them look old and distressed because they think it adds character, as does their dog with a bandanna around its neck that they gave a human name like “Jason” or “Sylvia” and who they trained to go fetch any missed shots during their games of frisbee golf.

I absolutely miss living in an overly contrived cliché disguised as a city, particularly during the time of year when it does everything it can to pretend to be what it thinks it always is.

American bison grazing on land across the Pedernales River from the LBJ Ranch near Stonewall, Texas (December 2010)

I’m just organizing some of the folders on my computer and finding some LBJ-related photos that you guys might enjoy. By the way, my experience in Texas might have been more pleasant had it been centered around the peace and beauty of the LBJ Ranch in the Hill Country with limited visits from time-to-time into Austin only to hang out at the LBJ Library. And air-conditioning 24/7/365.

Anonymous Asks:

You've mentioned that you didn't like living in ATX. What did you dislike most about Austin?

deadpresidents Said:

First and foremost was the weather. I’d rather spend the winter in Antarctica than another summer in Austin. I can’t understand why people would live in that climate for their entire lives.

It’s not the most scenic city or region in the country, either, and quite a large part of the population is really annoying. It’s like taking some of the really pretentious people from San Francisco (and that’s not a a ton of people in San Francisco — one of my favorites cities in the world — but just the people in SF who try way too hard to come across as if they aren’t trying at all) and sticking them in a place that looks Fresno and has a highway system that I can best compare to a hamster wheel. You know how in Vegas and Reno there are those people who came to gamble, but ended up never leaving, and it’s really sad? There’s a significant amount of the population in Austin that seems like they came to SXSW or ACL and never left, and they’re usually douchey and have guitars and walk around with a dog that wears a bandanna while they wear flannel even though it’s 184 degrees (and that’s after the sun goes down) every single day.

Should I keep going? How about this: Guadalupe is not pronounced “Gwah-da-LOOP”. I don’t know why, but that always bothered the shit out of me. Somehow, I was able to tolerate “y’all” — tolerate, not appreciate — but “Gwah-da-LOOP” is just infuriating.

And I’m sorry, UT students, but burnt orange is a terrible color. Remember those big-ass 64-packs of Crayola crayons that we all probably had when we were kids? Burnt orange always remained in the box perfectly-sharpened because burnt orange sucks. It’s the same color as diarrhea that caught on fire.

(Obviously, I’m not a fan of that wildly overrated city.)

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription featuring George W. Bush and Rick Perry•

PERRY: Are you understanding this, George?
BUSH: I’m trying. Am I holding this the right way?
PERRY: I’m gonna be honest — I don’t have a goddamn clue how to use one of these things.
BUSH: Do we plug it in somewhere? Is this one of them iKindle’s? I guess we’ll follow the kid’s lead.
PERRY: Yeah, this kid is amazing. He hasn’t messed up once. I don’t know how he knows all of this.
BUSH: It’s impressive, but I hate that they are teaching foreign languages like this in our schools.
PERRY: I know…I might be Governor of Texas, but even I can’t read this Spanish book.
BUSH: Oh, I can read Spanish. This isn’t Spanish. This type of language is proof that we’re letting the terrorists win. It’s in Arabic, or Ebonics or something.
KID: Actually, this book is in English.
PERRY: On second thought, I don’t like this kid’s attitude one bit. He shouldn’t get uppity with us just because you and I have probably executed most of his relatives.
BUSH: Exactly. Look how long his shorts are. I think Obama let him out of Guantanamo. If you get into the White House, you should open it back up for business and make him the first customer.
PERRY: Do Presidents have to do a lot of this, George? I’m okay with visiting kids — even brown ones like in Houston and San Antonio — but I don’t know about reading publicly.
BUSH: Well, I went to great lengths to avoid it, Rick. Hell, if you remember, I staged 9/11 just to get out of reading out loud.
PERRY: Holy shit, that’s why you did it? What a brilliant move! It got you out of that classroom in Florida that morning AND allowed you to invade Iraq! You’re a genius!
BUSH: Two birds, one stone, Rick. That wasn’t even a Rove idea, either. It was all “43”.
PERRY: You did have to read My Pet Goat that morning, though.
BUSH: I was so drunk that morning that I had no idea what I was looking at. I thought it was a menu from Denny’s. Fortunately for me, Andrew Card came over and whispered, “We had the government go ahead and mastermind a massive terrorist attack if you want to get out of here.”
PERRY: And you mosey’d on out!
BUSH: Damn right, mosey’d right out. I amscrayed right into history, if I can use a little Latin.
KID: That was Pig Latin, and just one word of it.
BUSH: You are really pushing your luck, kid, both with your disrespect and the fact that you tucked that awful baby blue shirt into your jorts.
PERRY: I like your style, Dubya. We’re just two authentic Texans, aren’t we?
BUSH: With the cowboy boots, belt buckles, and debating skills to prove it. Two tough sumbitches who just happened to be male cheerleaders while mired in sub-mediocrity at their respective colleges.
PERRY: Real quick, George…if you had your choice, what book would you rather be reading right now? On the count of three, we’ll both answer that question: 1…2…3!
BUSH and PERRY (IN UNISON): A POP-UP BOOK OF NOLAN RYAN THROWING A NO-HITTER AGAINST GAY PEOPLE AND IMMIGRANT ABORTION DOCTORS WHO LOVE TEXAS AND KNOW ALL OF THE DEPARTMENTS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!!!
PERRY: Yee-haw!
BUSH: Wow…did we just become best friends?

Pedernales Electric Cooperative, Johnson City, Texas

Thousands of Christmas lights in the trees outside of the Pedernales Electric Cooperative in Johnson City, Texas. Established in 1938, the PEC helped bring electricity to the Hill Country of Texas. The driving force behind rural electrification in Texas was young U.S. Representative Lyndon B. Johnson.

Photo by Erica, Sweet Sunday Photography
(Erica’s Tumblr)

Blanco County Courthouse, Johnson City, Texas

Thousands of lights decorate the Blanco County Courthouse in Johnson City, Texas for the Hill Country Lights Spectacular.

Photo by Erica, Sweet Sunday Photography
(Erica’s Tumblr)

Pedernales Electric Cooperative, Johnson City, Texas

Millions of Christmas lights in the trees outside of the Pedernales Electric Cooperative in Johnson City, Texas. Established in 1938, the PEC helped bring electricity to the Hill Country of Texas. The driving force behind rural electrification in Texas was young U.S. Representative Lyndon B. Johnson.

Photo by Erica, Sweet Sunday Photography
(Erica’s Tumblr)