Oh, man, I’m totally bummed that I’m not there so that I can be stuck in ridiculous traffic because of the fact that the city is too small and the highway system leading to-and-from downtown is too poorly-designed to accommodate the number of people who go to a football game at the University of Texas a half-dozen times each fall, let alone the crowds which converge on the city annually for its signature event.
(And I said that the highway system leads “to-and-from” downtown because it doesn’t get you “around” downtown. That requires surface streets because, apparently, nobody thought that a business loop running East-to-West and vice versa anywhere near Austin’s central business district was a good idea. I mean, that makes sense, right? Every other major city has one, but that makes it the establishment thing to do and Austin doesn’t play that game. It’s even called a “business” loop in other cities, so think about how corporate it must be…you’ve gotta “Keep Austin Weird”, so bring on the traffic.)
I’m especially bummed out if I also end up missing out on any of Austin’s wonderful weather. I haven’t looked at the forecast for SXSW, but it’s Austin, so I’m guessing that at least a few days of the festival will be either unbearably hot or ridiculously humid and sticky. Living uncomfortably is probably what I miss most about Texas.
Hey, at least there probably won’t be anybody playing an acoustic guitar in front of a Starbucks while ironically wearing a Livestrong bracelet along with a flannel shirt, ratty jeans, and black Chucks that they actually bought from Target but dragged from their bicycle in order to make them look old and distressed because they think it adds character, as does their dog with a bandanna around its neck that they gave a human name like “Jason” or “Sylvia” and who they trained to go fetch any missed shots during their games of frisbee golf.
I absolutely miss living in an overly contrived cliché disguised as a city, particularly during the time of year when it does everything it can to pretend to be what it thinks it always is.
First and foremost was the weather. I’d rather spend the winter in Antarctica than another summer in Austin. I can’t understand why people would live in that climate for their entire lives.
It’s not the most scenic city or region in the country, either, and quite a large part of the population is really annoying. It’s like taking some of the really pretentious people from San Francisco (and that’s not a a ton of people in San Francisco — one of my favorites cities in the world — but just the people in SF who try way too hard to come across as if they aren’t trying at all) and sticking them in a place that looks Fresno and has a highway system that I can best compare to a hamster wheel. You know how in Vegas and Reno there are those people who came to gamble, but ended up never leaving, and it’s really sad? There’s a significant amount of the population in Austin that seems like they came to SXSW or ACL and never left, and they’re usually douchey and have guitars and walk around with a dog that wears a bandanna while they wear flannel even though it’s 184 degrees (and that’s after the sun goes down) every single day.
Should I keep going? How about this: Guadalupe is not pronounced “Gwah-da-LOOP”. I don’t know why, but that always bothered the shit out of me. Somehow, I was able to tolerate “y’all” — tolerate, not appreciate — but “Gwah-da-LOOP” is just infuriating.
And I’m sorry, UT students, but burnt orange is a terrible color. Remember those big-ass 64-packs of Crayola crayons that we all probably had when we were kids? Burnt orange always remained in the box perfectly-sharpened because burnt orange sucks. It’s the same color as diarrhea that caught on fire.
(Obviously, I’m not a fan of that wildly overrated city.)