Dead Presidents

I jotted down some thoughts while watching the President give the State of the Union speech (BUILT TO LAST!), sponsored by Masterlock and Siemens and apparently Ford (BUILT TO LAST! FORD TOUGH!).  Let’s see if I can read my handwriting.

•I’ll admit it: the Gabby Giffords/Obama hug was a tear-jerker even for a tough (FORD TOUGH?) manly man like me.
•There was a little bit of Obama’s 2008 stump speech mixed in with the same SOTU speech we’ve been hearing from Presidents for 30 years
•I sure hope the President says “Built To Last” 600 times tonight.  Can’t wait to see that on campaign banners…ugh.
•Every President in every SOTU says that “the State of our Union is strong” or “getting stronger” and then throws in a bunch of stats about how awesome his Administration has been.  I know it will never happen, but I’d love for a President to get up there and say, “the State of our Union is bleh” or “as you can tell, the State of our Union continues to suck a bunch of dicks”
•The President turned that smirk on for a while when he took some shots at Congress.  I liked that.  I always like when the President pulls the “You haven’t acted, so I will” card.
•It’s an ancient tradition, but the dueling cheers between the two parties during the speech is hilarious.  There’s nothing better than watching Speaker Boehner look to the GOP side to see if someone is clapping when they shouldn’t be.
•The President needs to watch some Clinton (and even George W. Bush) tapes and learn how to play to the camera every once in a while.  There are a hundred million people watching, so maybe he shouldn’t keep those eyes glued to the TelePrompter.  You know, Clinton once ad-libbed a chunk of the SOTU when the TelePrompter crapped out?  Obama would shut down like the Tin Man without oil.
•”Take the money we’re no longer spending on the war…and do some nation-building here at home” — Awesome line
•Sorry, Geithner, are we keeping you awake?
•John Dingell looks like the fucking Crypt Keeper
•BUILT TO LAST!
•Sorry, Mr. Vice President, are we keeping YOU awake?  Biden is either sleeping, or checking his iPhone.
•Speaker Boehner wanted a cigarette three minutes into the speech; he’s jonesin’ now
•Oh dear God…the “crying over spilled milk” joke was HORRENDOUS.  I’m so glad that Congress groaned at that and didn’t let the President get away with that joke.  They keep one member of the Cabinet away from the Capitol as a designated survivor in case of a bomb like that.
•When Obama said, “So, if you are a big bank or financial institution…”, it absolutely felt like he was going to follow it with, “…go fuck yourself.”  I bet both sides would have cheered for that.
•Did Richard Cordray get booed by a Joint Session of Congress?  That’s a fun one to add to the resume.
•Hey, look, Attorney General Warren Moon!
•Eric Cantor is one smarmy-looking motherfucker.
•I love that Obama mentioned the fact that a simply majority isn’t enough to get ANYTHING done in Congress and that we have to stop perpetual campaigning!  I truly believe those are two of the biggest problems in American politics today.
•It’s so funny how the GOP started cheering as Obama was saying “The Executive Branch also needs to change…”.  Ouch…burn.
•I want to slap Mitch McConnell’s neck fat.
•Hey John Kerry, nice face, you fucking ghoul.
•Bashar al-Assad:  Watch yo’ ass…Hillary’s gonna kill you, too!
•Iran:  Watch yo’ ass…Barack might bomb you, too!
•”Iran can rejoin the community of nations” if they behave.  You know, like Libya did for awhile…
•Good to know that “Christians, Muslims, and Jews” will all be treated equally.  No mention for us godless sodomites who don’t believe.  Are we just kinda fucked, Mr. President?
•BUILT TO LAST!
•Oh God, we get it…just end this shit already. 
•As Obama was blasting the problems with Congress, I would have donated $2,500 to the campaign if he just turned his back to the audience and looked directly at Boehner while saying, “WHO IS TO BLAME?”
•Congress “should learn a thing or two from the service of our troops” — when you put on the uniform, it doesn’t matter what your background is or what you believe, we all work together to urinate on dead enemies and degrade foreign cultures.
•If I was Obama, I would have just shown the picture of Osama bin Laden’s dead body for 20 minutes and said, “Okay, America, let’s point and laugh”.  Hell, that’s what I’d do all the way until November.  (Way to be hypocritical about degrading our enemies, Anthony.)
•Alright, that’s all for now.  There’s no way in hell that I’m watching Indiana Governor Oompa Loompa’s response.
•BUILT TO LAST!