Dead Presidents

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg•

LINCOLN:  Hey, thanks for having me here at Gettysburg…uh…ummm…listen, I wrote a speech…I have it somewhere…just give me a second…
CROWD: (restless)
LINCOLN: Boy is my face red!  Seriously, guys…I had it in my pocket…hold up…wait, here it is…no, that’s that crazy slave-freeing idea I wrote down…
CROWD: (gasps in horror)
LINCOLN: Chill, I’m not really gonna do that.  Yo, anyone seen my hat?  Maybe the speech is in there?
ASSISTANT: (whispers in the President’s ear)
LINCOLN: (to assistant)  Huh?  You want me to say that Jimmy Kimmel looks AIDS-y since Sarah Silverman dumped him?  That’s material for another President at that dorky press prom in the future.
ASSISTANT: (whispers in the President’s ear)
LINCOLN: (to assistant) WHAT?  They don’t want Presidents bragging about killing our country’s worst enemy?  What the hell is wrong with this country?  Can’t we be on the same side for anything?  Jesus Christ…this partisan shit is too much…this country’s gonna end up in a goddamned Civil Wa…oh yeah, nevermind…you know what I mean.  Where the fuck is that speech? 
LINCOLN: (to crowd)  I’m still looking for that speech, guys.  Give me another minute…if I don’t find it, I’ll just freestyle.  Believe me, I feel really bad…the speech was good.  I’m not kidding.  It was a barn-burner.
CROWD: Hurry up!  We’re gonna miss Mad Men!
LINCOLN: Alright, listen, I’ll just make it up.  Yo, someone give me a beat!  Okay…no, slow it down a little…word, that’s good, keep it going…ummm…Four score and seven years ago…

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Barack Obama, former President George W. Bush, and former President Bill Clinton prior to a press conference on aid for Haitian earthquake victims•

OBAMA: Alright, George, you wanna handle this press conference?
BUSH: Hell no.  I’m retired.  Clinton loved this shit, why don’t you go be President again, Bill?
CLINTON: Nope.  I wanted the job back for the longest time, but even I didn’t have to deal with crap like this.
OBAMA: Come on, guys.  Help a brother out.
BUSH: I didn’t even think I’d have to come back here again.  Why didn’t you call my dad to do this?
OBAMA: Your dad is 162 years old.  I think he’s done enough for his country
CLINTON: Yeah, plus you’re SO good at handling disasters, George.
BUSH: I’m never going to live that Katrina thing down, am I? 
OBAMA: You did drop the ball on that one.
BUSH: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was hanging out with President Obama.  Can you tell me where to go so I can show that I care about black people, Kanye West?
CLINTON: Come on, guys.  This is for the people of Haiti.
OBAMA: George, I’ll never criticize your administration again if you take all the questions in this press conference.
BUSH: Fuck that.  I’d rather be the taste-tester for Haitian drinking water.
CLINTON:  You might not want to say that into the microphone.
OBAMA: Seriously, one of you guys needs to take this one.  I need a break.  Bill…I’ll send Hillary on a diplomatic trip to Neptune if you handle this.
CLINTON:  Nope.  You’re on your own, kid.  I had my issues with Haiti in 1994.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there like I did.
OBAMA: But that was a political crisis, not a catastrophic disaster.  It is vastly more dangerous now.
BUSH: Exactly.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there.  I hate those dudes.
CLINTON: Ditto.  They are total dicks.
OBAMA: What do I have to do?  I’m begging you guys…just this once…wait…what are you two laughing at?
BUSH: Nothing…it’s just that…
CLINTON: Don’t tell him! 
BUSH: I have to, man.  I feel bad for him. 
OBAMA: What is it?
CLINTON: Fine.  We were going to play a practical joke on you.  When all the Presidents get together for a press conference like this, one of the ex-Presidents usually unzips his pants and lets a ball slide out while the current President speaks.
OBAMA: Jesus.
BUSH: Yeah…Bill actually did it at my Inauguration!
CLINTON: Oh, that wasn’t a practical joke.  I was trying to hook up with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
BUSH: You hit that?  I always pegged you more as a Sandra Day O’Connor fan.
CLINTON: Yeah, I nailed her, too.
OBAMA: Guys, I don’t need this.
CLINTON: When I was President, Gerald Ford pulled his entire dick out behind my back at the NAFTA press conference.  You remember that, George?
BUSH: Nah, I was drunk until sometime in 1996.
OBAMA: Alright, it’s time.  You guys might want to stop laughing.
CLINTON: Shit, what do we care?  Constitutionally, we’re not even allowed to run for President again!  What do we have to lose?
OBAMA: People’s respect?  It might tarnish your legacies.
CLINTON: Legacies?  I got impeached and Dubya started like fifteen wars that we KNOW of. 
BUSH: He’s right, Barack.  Hell, we might both pull our balls out.
OBAMA: Please…think of the people in Haiti.
CLINTON: He’s got a point, George.  We’ll just give Obama a wedgie instead.  Oh…shhh…here’s the press.  Serious faces.
BUSH: I can’t stop smiling.
CLINTON: Think of Hillary and Condoleeza Rice passionately kissing each other while wearing white latex bodysuits and standing in the middle of some sprinklers.
BUSH: Jesus Christ.  I wish you would have taught me that trick when I was President so I didn’t come across as such a smarmy prick all the time.
OBAMA: Alright…just go back into the White House, please.  I got this.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Vice President Richard Nixon and Cuban Leader Fidel Castro at the U.S. Capitol•

NIXON: Well, this is awkward.
FIDEL: Indeed it is.
NIXON: So, I’m Richard Nixon, Vice President of the United States.
FIDEL: Pleased to meet you, Mr. Vice President.  I’m Fidel Castro, half-Revolutionary, half-statesman, and 100% absofuckinglutely awesome.  Want a cigar?
NIXON: No thank you, nothing against your fine people and their tobacco products, but it’s probably laced with AIDS and poverty. 
FIDEL: ¿Que?
NIXON: You know, personally, I LOVE the idea of Communism.  I just want to throw that out there.  It’s Eisenhower who is making a big to-do about you and your kick-ass Revolution.
FIDEL: Ah, this must be why they call you “Tricky Dick”!  You tell me what I want to hear and I’m supposed to be charmed, right?  I’m told that you’re the biggest opponent of Communism in the United States.
NIXON: That’s what my enemies want you to think.  It’s the damn Kennedy family!  They are always trying to bring Dick Nixon down.
FIDEL: Wouldn’t fighting Communism make you look good to Americans, Dick?  I can call you “Dick”, right?
NIXON: Yes, you may.  Can I call you “Fred”?
FIDEL: Of cour…wait, no…why would you call me “Fred”?
NIXON: No reason.  Anyway, it would seem that fighting Communism would make me look good, but those damn Kennedys are up to something.  You know, I’ll probably be running for President against Jack Kennedy next year.
FIDEL: Yes.  It should be interesting. 
NIXON: No, it should be my turn to be President!  That is what it should be, Fred.  But the damn Kennedys are conspiring against me.  They are going to buy that election, just watch.  Also, the Jews.
FIDEL: What about the Jews?
NIXON: You know…money…Jews…dishonesty…corruption.
FIDEL: You’re just saying random words and hoping that I’ll fall into your stereotyping.
NIXON: See, they’ve gotten to you, too.  Those goddamn Kennedy Jews.
FIDEL: It’s been nice talking to you, Mr. Vice President, I really must be going…
NIXON: Listen, Fred, they are going to invade Cuba.
FIDEL: Wait…what?  Who is?
NIXON: The Kennedys — all of the brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews — the whole fucking clan.  There are like 6000 of those sumbitches.  They are going to use their big-ass Kennedy teeth for weapons and land a yacht on the Cuban coast to try to bring you down.
FIDEL: So, you are telling me that the Kennedy family is personally going to try to invade Cuba.  Sounds unlikely.
NIXON: That’s what I hear.  I’m just trying to help you, Fred. 
FIDEL: It’s “Fidel”…my name is “Fidel”. 
NIXON: Yes, but in English that is translated to “Fred”.
FIDEL: No, it totally isn’t translated to “Fred” in English.  Back to this “invasion”.  Where do you get this information?
NIXON: The Jews.  Also, they are going to try to assassinate you.  With poison ink pens and exploding cigars.  They have some Bugs Bunny-type shit that they’re going to use. 
FIDEL: Alright, again, nice meeting you, Mr. Vice President.
NIXON: Three words - “Bay of Pigs”.  BAHIA DE COCHINOS, FRED!
FIDEL: (Walking away) Goodbye and good luck in 1960, sir.
NIXON: (Turning away) Buy a Gillette, you fucking Commie.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley•

NIXON: Thanks for coming by, Elvis.  I know that it’s your birthday today and my birthday is tomorrow, so I figured we’d have ourselves a little party.
ELVIS: No problem, Mr. President.  You know I dig your Oval Office parties!  Can you turn the tape recorder off, though?  You know how I roll…
NIXON: Of course, we wouldn’t want to get ourselves in trouble.  Oh wait, I’m the President!  I can’t get in trouble.  Did you bring what I asked? 
ELVIS: Yes, sir.  Wait a second…who is this guy with the glasses?  Is he a Narc?  This guy gonna turn us in?  I don’t like guys with glasses.
NIXON: Well, you had glasses on when you came in.  They are right there on the table.
ELVIS: Those aren’t glasses.  Those are shades, man.  Seriously, he can stay, but can you have him stop looking at me?
NIXON: Wow…check out those cuff links!  That is the definition of bling, Elvis.
ELVIS: Man, these are diamonds created from the cremated bones of Tyrannosaurus Rex legs.  You know how much these cost?
NIXON: How much?
ELVIS: I don’t know, Dick…I was fucking HIGH AS HELL when I bought them!
NIXON: (Laughs)  That reminds me…did you bring the sticky-icky?  Let’s get this party started.  I might even take my suit jacket off!
ELVIS: Oh, I brought it.  This creepy dude with glasses has to leave, though.
NIXON: He’s fine, Elvis.  Let’s hotbox the Oval Office and get some girls in here.  I want to dance.  Dick Nixon wants to get down!
ELVIS: Creepy guy with glasses can stay, but I’ll karate chop him if he doesn’t stop looking at me.  Where’s the Memphis Mafia…they brought the girls.  You wanna roll a blunt for us, Dick?
NIXON: Absolutely.  Happy Birthday, King.
ELVIS: Thank you, thankyouverymuch.  Happy Birthday, Mr. President

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Senator Barack Obama and Senator Hillary Clinton from a 2008 Democratic Presidential Debate•

HILLARY: I respectfully disagree with you, Senator, and as I’ve said, I believe my experience makes me a stronger candidate for the Presidency…
OBAMA: Well, Senator, I respectfully believe you should read between the lines.
HILLARY: Are you flipping me off?
OBAMA: Would you rather I just say “Go fuck yourself”?
HILLARY: DON’T MAKE ME GET OUT OF THIS CHAIR.
OBAMA: If you don’t think I’ll choke a bitch, you better do your research.  I’m from the ‘hood.
HILLARY: Shit, I was born in Chicago.  You moved there when you got tired of shaking coconuts out of trees.
OBAMA: Funny that you mention nuts…from what your husband tells me, you haven’t been interested in them for 30 years.
HILLARY: [Huffs]
OBAMA: [To moderator]  Now, as I was saying, my plan…
HILLARY: [Under her breath]  At least I’m not black.
OBAMA: Excuse me, Senator?
HILLARY: I’m sorry.  That was completely inappropriate.  For you to be considered black, you would need to go back to Hawaii and work on your tan.
OBAMA: And, I assume you’ve been putting on all that weight so Bill will fuck you.
HILLARY: That was a personal matter that was resolved between…
OBAMA: Between you, your husband, the House of Representatives, the United States Senate, and 300 million Americans watching on television.
HILLARY: Listen, we can settle this later, but I think we can both agree that neither of us wants John McCain’s old-ass as President.
OBAMA: Agreed.  No one wants a President who can’t signal for a touchdown.
HILLARY: Exactly.   
OBAMA: I want my Commander-in-Chief to be able to salute without bending over. 
HILLARY: Yes.  The American people deserve a President who doesn’t look as if he just got out of a Jay-Z music video.
OBAMA: Yes, and a President who…wait…what?
MODERATOR: And we’re out of time!  Thank you to Senators Obama and Clinton.
HILLARY: [Reaching for handshake]  What’s up now, fucker?
OBAMA: [Reaching for handshake]  See you on Super Tuesday, cunt.
HILLARY:  You’re gonna need me someday.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription featuring George W. Bush and Rick Perry•

PERRY: Are you understanding this, George?
BUSH: I’m trying.  Am I holding this the right way?
PERRY: I’m gonna be honest — I don’t have a goddamn clue how to use one of these things.
BUSH: Do we plug it in somewhere?  Is this one of them iKindle’s?  I guess we’ll follow the kid’s lead.
PERRY: Yeah, this kid is amazing.  He hasn’t messed up once.  I don’t know how he knows all of this.
BUSH: It’s impressive, but I hate that they are teaching foreign languages like this in our schools.
PERRY: I know…I might be Governor of Texas, but even I can’t read this Spanish book.
BUSH: Oh, I can read Spanish.  This isn’t Spanish.  This type of language is proof that we’re letting the terrorists win.  It’s in Arabic, or Ebonics or something.
KID: Actually, this book is in English.
PERRY: On second thought, I don’t like this kid’s attitude one bit.  He shouldn’t get uppity with us just because you and I have probably executed most of his relatives.
BUSH:  Exactly.  Look how long his shorts are.  I think Obama let him out of Guantanamo.  If you get into the White House, you should open it back up for business and make him the first customer.
PERRY: Do Presidents have to do a lot of this, George?  I’m okay with visiting kids — even brown ones like in Houston and San Antonio — but I don’t know about reading publicly.
BUSH:  Well, I went to great lengths to avoid it, Rick.  Hell, if you remember, I staged 9/11 just to get out of reading out loud.
PERRY: Holy shit, that’s why you did it?  What a brilliant move!  It got you out of that classroom in Florida that morning AND allowed you to invade Iraq!  You’re a genius!
BUSH: Two birds, one stone, Rick.  That wasn’t even a Rove idea, either.  It was all “43”.
PERRY: You did have to read My Pet Goat that morning, though.
BUSH: I was so drunk that morning that I had no idea what I was looking at.  I thought it was a menu from Denny’s.  Fortunately for me, Andrew Card came over and whispered, “We had the government go ahead and mastermind a massive terrorist attack if you want to get out of here.”
PERRY: And you mosey’d on out!
BUSH: Damn right, mosey’d right out.  I amscrayed right into history, if I can use a little Latin.
KID: That was Pig Latin, and just one word of it.
BUSH: You are really pushing your luck, kid, both with your disrespect and the fact that you tucked that awful baby blue shirt into your jorts.
PERRY: I like your style, Dubya.  We’re just two authentic Texans, aren’t we?
BUSH: With the cowboy boots, belt buckles, and debating skills to prove it.  Two tough sumbitches who just happened to be male cheerleaders while mired in sub-mediocrity at their respective colleges.
PERRY: Real quick, George…if you had your choice, what book would you rather be reading right now?  On the count of three, we’ll both answer that question:  1…2…3!
BUSH and PERRY (IN UNISON): A POP-UP BOOK OF NOLAN RYAN THROWING A NO-HITTER AGAINST GAY PEOPLE AND IMMIGRANT ABORTION DOCTORS WHO LOVE TEXAS AND KNOW ALL OF THE DEPARTMENTS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!!!
PERRY: Yee-haw!
BUSH: Wow…did we just become best friends?

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President George W. Bush and former President George H.W. Bush•

BUSH 41: Look at that, son!  They named an aircraft carrier after me!  What an honor!
BUSH 43: Congratulations, Pops, you deserve it.
BUSH 41: I’m sure they’ll name something after you someday.  Then again, I was a war hero and you were…well…not.
BUSH 43: Sure, Dad.  I may not have been a war hero, but how was your second term in the White House?
BUSH 41: Not only were you not a war hero, you weren’t even a war participant.  Then again, I guess starting two wars is more than I can claim credit for.
BUSH 43: I wouldn’t have had to start one of them if you had finished it in 1991.
BUSH 41: I was too busy worrying about how to keep my black sheep, fuckoff eldest son from embarrassing me and creating an obstacle for my good son, Jeb, on his eventual journey to the White House.
BUSH 43: Which of my two terms was your favorite?  You know, since you lost your shot at re-election in 1992, you can technically still serve another term.  It’s not too late, old-timer.
BUSH 41: I ought to kick your ass.  I still could, too.  I was flying bomber missions in the Pacific during World War II before I could grow facial hair.  When you were that age, you were a drunk cheerleader at Yale.
BUSH 43: Wait…photographers.  Smile and pretend we like each other.
BUSH 41: Jeb’s still pissed at you for ruining his future plans.
BUSH 43: Jeb looks like the illegitimate son of mom and a Spanish opera singer.  That swarthy motherfucker should run for President of Weight Watchers.
BUSH 41: He’ll be giving the eulogy at my funeral.
BUSH 43: Yes, the opening eulogy right before I get up and say, “Well, that was a nice speech for a Governor…now for some Presidential gravitas.”
BUSH 41: You looked ridiculous in that “Mission Accomplished” flight suit, you phony.
BUSH 43: At least I didn’t throw up in the lap of Japan’s Prime Minister.
BUSH 41: Fuck you:  two unjust wars.
BUSH 43: Eat a dick:  one shitty term.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat•

ARAFAT: No, the joke goes like this…two Jews walk into a bar…
RABIN: Wait…I’ve heard this one.  The first Jew orders an “Arafat”.  The second Jew asks, “Why are you ordering an Arafat?” and the first Jew replies, “Because I want to know what an undeserved Nobel Peace Prize tastes like.”
ARAFAT: (Laughing)  I never heard that version!  That’s a good one!  Hell, they could have ordered a “Barack Obama” if they wanted that!
RABIN: Oh, Yassir…you’re such a card.
ARAFAT: Oh, Yitzhak…your warm smile and comforting laugh almost makes me forget about the bulldozing of my people’s settlements.  In fact, it does make me forget!  What do I care?  I’m rich, bitch!
RABIN: Chappelle references never fail.
ARAFAT: Did you just feel that uncomfortable moment that we felt in Cairo again?  It’s so hard to hold back when we look in each other’s eyes and ache for each other’s lips.
RABIN: I know.  Believe me, I know.  It’s tough, but we have to control ourselves.  It was nearly disastrous when the Syrian delegation unexpectedly walked in as we were embracing — your hand on the small of my back while I gently brushed one hand against your cheek and held the back of your neck to guide you as we were locked into deep, wet, passionate kissing
ARAFAT: Heads up…Bill Clinton’s walking by.  Pretend we still despise each other.
RABIN: (Loudly) And that’s where you can shove your kaffiyeh, you violent barbarian!
ARAFAT: (Loudly)  I hope your menorah falls and burns your house down, you dirty Zionist.
RABIN: Okay, he’s gone.
ARAFAT: Sorry about the menorah comment; I was just really in character for a second.  You know how those method acting classes paid off.
RABIN: No worries.  All we have to do is keep pretending that we’re enemies and we’ll never be irrelevant.
ARAFAT: What are you going to do with your Nobel Prize money?
RABIN: It’s already spent.  I’m getting drunk tonight, brother!  How about you?
ARAFAT: I’m going to build a greenhouse in Ramallah.  I love tinkering around in the garden and experimenting with hybrid flowers, but it’s impossible to do it outside because there is no water, the ground is concrete-like dust, and it’s always 184 degrees.
RABIN: No shit?  I was also thinking of getting a pair of roller blades.
ARAFAT: Dude, Clinton is starting to get on my nerves.  WE GET IT, BILL…you want peace.  How about you stop sticking your bulbous red nose into our scam process, you pale-ass busybody?
RABIN: Yeah, Mr. Let-Me-Stand-In-The-Middle-During-The-Photo-Op-Even-Though-I-Didn’t-Do-Anything needs to chill with his whole act. 
ARAFAT: When we die, do you think we should leave an explanation about how we’re actually BFF’s and just kept the facade going so we could get to stay at Camp David?
RABIN: Fuck that.  Who cares?  We’ll be dead.
ARAFAT: God might frown upon that attitude.
RABIN: God’s the asshole who stuck us in Israel and said “Figure it out on your own”.  I’m pretty sure God has no credibility with me.
ARAFAT: Fair point…here comes Clinton again…
RABIN: (Loudly)  You look like Ringo Star on meth!
ARAFAT: (Loudly)  At least he was a Beatle…you look like a senior citizen version of Charlie Brown.
RABIN: He’s gone again. 
ARAFAT: Yeah, did you see how fast he took off when he saw that fat waitress with a tray of appetizers?
RABIN: I certainly did.  Did you expect anything different?  Hell, those are his two favorite combinations:  a mediocre-looking chubby girl and food.
ARAFAT: I’m so done with this Nobel Prize ceremony.  Where’s the afterparty?
RABIN: I’m throwing one at my hotel.  Room 1279 at the Days Inn.  You should bring the crew.  We’re getting hookers and crack.
ARAFAT: I’m there…am I dressed alright?
RABIN: It wouldn’t hurt to buy a razor, but you’re good, homie.
ARAFAT: Sweet…I’ll bring some E, too.
RABIN: Oh man…last time I dropped Ecstasy was that party after the talks in Sharm-el-Sheikh.  I was tripping balls!
ARAFAT: Holy shit, I almost forgot about that.  That’s when King Hussein got hammered and tricked Hosni Mubarak into playing “What’s in the King’s asshole?”
RABIN: What was it that he stuffed up there, by the way?  I’m drawing a blank.
ARAFAT: It was just the balloons full of heroin that he brought from Jordan.
RABIN: That’s right.  I was dancing with the glow sticks and missed the whole thing.  Shit…one more time…Clinton Alert…
ARAFAT: (Loudly)  Fuck a donkey, Heeb.
RABIN: (Loudly) I would, but your mom had a long day of playing Clifford The Big Red Dog, so I’d hate to bother her.
ARAFAT: Oooh…FACE!  Alright, he’s gone.  So, afterparty at the Days Inn?  Should I bring anything?
RABIN: Bring some good music to grove to.  A little Montell Jordan.  Maybe some Sisqo?
ARAFAT: Word.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Barack Obama, former President George W. Bush, and former President Bill Clinton in the Oval Office•

OBAMA:  I can’t do it, Bill.
CLINTON:  Seriously, Barack, just send her to Antarctica.  Have her plant a flag there, or open an embassy.
OBAMA:  There are treaties that preclude that.  You know this.
CLINTON:  How about the Moon?!  First Secretary of State on the Moon!  She’d be all for that.  She’d love that.
OBAMA:  Bill, I can’t just keep sending Hillary out of the country.
BUSH 43:  Heh, heh, heh…he wants to get rid of Hillary!
OBAMA:  Yes, George.
CLINTON:  Fine…isn’t there some sort of trouble going on in North Korea.
OBAMA:  Well, yes, but I can’t send her to North Korea.  She can’t go there.
CLINTON:  Why?  I did!  I went there and everything turned out fine.  Send her.  For like a month!  Have her fix it and win a Nobel Peace Prize.  Don’t you want someone from this country to actually earn a Nobel Peace Prize?
OBAMA:  Okay, that was inappropriate.
BUSH 43:  See, he just wants to get Hillary out of the country!  Heh, heh, heh.
OBAMA:  No, I get it, George.  I understand what he wants.
BUSH 43:  Here’s my impression of Bill: “Get Hillary out of here!”.  That’s what Bill is saying, Barack.  Heh, heh, heh.
OBAMA:  WE GET IT, GEORGE.  WE GET THE FUCKING JOKE.
CLINTON:  Jesus Christ, Dubya, are you drinking again?
BUSH 43:  I’ve been drinking since 2004.
OBAMA:  See, I told you, Bill.
CLINTON:  Okay, I owe you $20 on that.  But, for real, how about sending Hillary to Croatia?
OBAMA:  Croatia?  Why Croatia?
BUSH 43:  Because he wants to get her out of the country!
OBAMA:  ——
BUSH 43:  Sorry, you get it.  My bad.  (Ahem)  Yeah, why Croatia, Bill?
CLINTON:  Croatia is where I had Commerce Secretary Ron Brown go when there was some trouble brewing and I needed to make his plane “crash into a mountain”, if you know what I mean?
OBAMA:  What?!  No, I don’t “know what you mean”.
CLINTON:  I mean…no…you know, Croatia is beautiful.  Great beaches.  Have her open an embassy there?  (Wink, Wink)
OBAMA:  Why are you winking at me like that?
BUSH 43:  Bill wants you to get rid of Hillary so he can get some poontang.
OBAMA:  Goodbye.  Both of you. 
CLINTON:  The Gulf of Mexico!  She can plug the oil leak with her fat ass!
OBAMA:  Please get the fuck out of my office.
CLINTON:  I still nailed an intern on your desk.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President George W. Bush, President-elect Barack Obama, former President Bill Clinton, and former President George H.W. Bush in the Oval Office•

BUSH 43: Bill…Holy shit, this guy’s really black!
CLINTON:  Dude, you screwed up so badly that America elected a black guy.
BUSH 43: I thought it was just a rumor.  I didn’t know he was seriously a black dude.  Like…wow…he’s not white.  We elected a black President!
CLINTON: You know, I think we can take him.  I’ll dive for the legs and you get him in a headlock.
BUSH 43: And then what?
CLINTON: Well, I’ll just get my shit and move in.  Don’t tell Hillary.  We’re going to keep it on the DL this time around.
BUSH 41: What are you guys whispering about over there?
BUSH 43: Nothing, Dad!  (Whispers to Clinton)  Is that old fart ever going to kick it?  He’s not supposed to outlive me.  John Quincy Adams must have had it easy when his dad croaked.
CLINTON: He’s in better shape than any of us — including Tiger Woods over there.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  Holy shit, I can’t believe America elected me.  I’m black for fuck’s sake!  A black President!  This isn’t the movies!  I’m not Morgan Freeman in “Deep Impact”!
BUSH 43: I know that I have to be President until January 20th, but do I really have to do anything?  I need a vacation.  Can’t I just go home now?
CLINTON: Well, I was pardoning people up until the moment the Chief Justice administered the Oath.  I mean, seriously, I was literally pardoning people while I sat on the dais at the Inauguration in 2001.
BUSH 41: Hey son, how about you stop whispering and start acting Presidential.  Shake this colored fella’s hand.  He won’t get any on you.
OBAMA: What?
BUSH 43: Don’t worry, Arsenio, he lost his mind on his last parachute jump.  He’s just a crazy old man.
BUSH 41: A crazy old man who will open a can of whoop-ass on you, Junior.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  I wonder if I still have to be President if I just run out the doors right now.  This is like inheriting the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.
CLINTON: You know what’s strange?  It still smells like cigars and fat girls in here.
BUSH 43: I had the carpet cleaned, but I think you pretty much ruined the Oval Office with that Lewinsky crap.
CLINTON: Yeah, we should definitely overlook the economic growth, budget surplus, and welfare reform simply because I got frisky with an intern.
BUSH 41, OBAMA & BUSH 43 SIMULTANEOUSLY: A FAT INTERN!
CLINTON: Alright, I get it.  As if impeachment wasn’t embarrassing enough.
BUSH 41: I knew I should have worn a diaper.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  First of all, I wonder if Papa Bush realizes he said that out loud.  And, secondly, I’m beginning to realize I made a HUGE mistake.  I could be playing basketball in Hawaii for the next eight years!  Also, I’M BLACK!  I’m not saying we can’t be in charge; I’m just saying we SHOULDN’T be in charge yet!  Tupac said so in “Changes”.
BUSH 43: What are we here for again?  And why is Jimmy Carter cut out of the picture?  Hey, Bryant Gumbel, why are you standing next to my dad?
OBAMA: You’re running out of light-skinned black celebrities, aren’t you?
BUSH 43: Yes, Mario Van Peebles.  Okay, I’m definitely out of them now.
BUSH 41: Hey Clinton, why do you have a boner?
CLINTON: I don’t know.  This room just reminds me of spraying spider webs all over blue dresses.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  I could probably get out of this situation right now if I say something in Arabic.
BUSH 41: Now which one of us says “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”?