Dead Presidents

Historical facts, thoughts, ramblings and collections on the Presidency and about the Presidents of the United States.

By Anthony Bergen
E-Mail: bergen.anthony@gmail.com
Posts tagged "Historically Accurate Transcriptions"
•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription featuring President Dwight D. Eisenhower, Polly Thompson, and Helen Keller.

THOMPSON: Mr. President, I’d like to introduce you to Helen Keller.
EISENHOWER: She can’t hear me, right?
THOMPSON: No, sir.
EISENHOWER: Okay, so, why the fuck is she sticking her hand all up in my face?
THOMPSON: She can’t see you, sir.
EISENHOWER: Oh, good, so I can stop smiling like an idiot while I get pie-faced? 
THOMPSON: I guess so.
EISENHOWER: I still don’t understand why she’s rubbing her hand all over my face — it’s not like I’m wearing a Braille tattoo of my name as a mustache.
THOMPSON: It’s her way of getting to know you, sir.
EISENHOWER: Why couldn’t we have an intern just pretend to be me while she did her thing? Or Nixon? It’s not like she would ever know.
THOMPSON: I was actually wondering the same thing. That’s what most people do.
EISENHOWER: I guess I have nothing better to do than stand here while this woman smushes her hand in my face. I’m a goddamn five-star General! I liberated Europe! This isn’t exactly dignified.
THOMPSON: She’ll stop soon, Mr. President.
EISENHOWER: And then what? We just stand here quietly while she bumps into shit? Oh, that’s a much better use of my time.
THOMPSON: She’s enjoying it.
EISENHOWER: Of course she is! I’d think it was fun to just shove my hand in people’s faces, too. (To his aide) Hey, I’ve got an idea…
AIDE: Yes, sir?
EISENHOWER: Get a ladder. I’ll climb about halfway up and THEN we’ll see what she feels…and what the Supreme Commander in my pants feels!
AIDE: I don’t think that’s appropriate, Mr. President.
EISENHOWER: Yeah, you’re right, this is a far more appropriate use of the President of the United States. I wish I was smoking a giant cigar. Then we’d see how long she needed to “get to know me”.
THOMPSON: Okay, that’s all. Thank you, Mr. President.
EISENHOWER: (While leaving) Ridiculous! I haven’t felt that violated since I shook hands with Joe McCarthy. Hey, don’t let her break anything expensive on her way out…
HELEN KELLER: (Laughing after Eisenhower leaves) I can’t believe I’m still getting away with doing that! I’m not even really blind or deaf! I just think it’s fucking hilarious. NICE HAIR, IKE!

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription featuring President Dwight D. Eisenhower, Polly Thompson, and Helen Keller.

THOMPSON: Mr. President, I’d like to introduce you to Helen Keller.
EISENHOWER: She can’t hear me, right?
THOMPSON: No, sir.
EISENHOWER: Okay, so, why the fuck is she sticking her hand all up in my face?
THOMPSON: She can’t see you, sir.
EISENHOWER: Oh, good, so I can stop smiling like an idiot while I get pie-faced?
THOMPSON: I guess so.
EISENHOWER: I still don’t understand why she’s rubbing her hand all over my face — it’s not like I’m wearing a Braille tattoo of my name as a mustache.
THOMPSON: It’s her way of getting to know you, sir.
EISENHOWER: Why couldn’t we have an intern just pretend to be me while she did her thing? Or Nixon? It’s not like she would ever know.
THOMPSON: I was actually wondering the same thing. That’s what most people do.
EISENHOWER: I guess I have nothing better to do than stand here while this woman smushes her hand in my face. I’m a goddamn five-star General! I liberated Europe! This isn’t exactly dignified.
THOMPSON: She’ll stop soon, Mr. President.
EISENHOWER: And then what? We just stand here quietly while she bumps into shit? Oh, that’s a much better use of my time.
THOMPSON: She’s enjoying it.
EISENHOWER: Of course she is! I’d think it was fun to just shove my hand in people’s faces, too. (To his aide) Hey, I’ve got an idea…
AIDE: Yes, sir?
EISENHOWER: Get a ladder. I’ll climb about halfway up and THEN we’ll see what she feels…and what the Supreme Commander in my pants feels!
AIDE: I don’t think that’s appropriate, Mr. President.
EISENHOWER: Yeah, you’re right, this is a far more appropriate use of the President of the United States. I wish I was smoking a giant cigar. Then we’d see how long she needed to “get to know me”.
THOMPSON: Okay, that’s all. Thank you, Mr. President.
EISENHOWER: (While leaving) Ridiculous! I haven’t felt that violated since I shook hands with Joe McCarthy. Hey, don’t let her break anything expensive on her way out…
HELEN KELLER: (Laughing after Eisenhower leaves) I can’t believe I’m still getting away with doing that! I’m not even really blind or deaf! I just think it’s fucking hilarious. NICE HAIR, IKE!

In case you missed it, I posted a BRAND-NEW “Historically Accurate Transcription” last night.

I think you’ll like it, so go check out “The Pope Goes To Confession”, give the post some love, and let me know what you think!

HISTORICALLY ACCURATE TRANSCRIPTION: POPE FRANCIS GOES TO CONFESSION

POPE FRANCIS: Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.
CONFESSOR: Go ahead, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: I met with Barack Obama.
CONFESSOR: That’s not a sin, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: Shit, I need to stop reading the Drudge Report!
CONFESSOR: Continue.
POPE FRANCIS: I just said “shit” in the Vatican. That’s probably a sin.
CONFESSOR: Go ahead, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: I told Obama that I enrolled for Obamacare on healthcare.gov but I totally didn’t.
CONFESSOR: Neither did anybody else, Your Holiness. Is that all?
POPE FRANCIS: I watched “Spring Breakers”.
CONFESSOR: Well, that might not be appropriate for everybody, but I wouldn’t say that you committed a sin.
POPE FRANCIS: No, believe me, I committed a sin while watching “Spring Breakers”. I mean, Selena Gomez? Talk all you want about Justin Bieber’s dogshit music, but at least he got that right, you know? No disrespect, but I would totally…
CONFESSOR: Ummm…perhaps we should move on, Holy Father…
POPE FRANCIS: I just committed a sin in my mind — a brain sin.
CONFESSOR: Does it involve Selena Gomez?
POPE FRANCIS: No, I imagined punching your dumb face because you interrupted me while I was talking about Selena Gomez. Listen, I may be humble, but I’m still the fucking Pope.
CONFESSOR: My apologies, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: I just said “fuck” in the Vatican. I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.
CONFESSOR: You also accidentally said “fuck” while speaking from the balcony recently.
POPE FRANCIS: Yeah, it was a fucking ACCIDENT. Get over it. Oh, I’m REALLY SORRY that I made a mistake while speaking like 25 different languages. Do you realize how hard that is? I’m literally from the other side of the world.
CONFESSOR: An accidental sin is still a sin.
POPE FRANCIS: [Whispers] Come here..Listen closely…
CONFESSOR: [Whispers] Go ahead…
POPE FRANCIS: [Whispers] You’re talking to the Pope. Bishop of Rome. Supreme Pontiff. Vicar of Christ. The 266th Successor to Saint Peter. I’m the lineal successor to an Apostle. Do you want me to show you the Keys to Heaven? Because I’m the Keeper of them. They’re in my fanny pack. You don’t need to tell me what is or is not a sin. Accidents happen. And unless you want another “accident” to happen — you know, like Pope John Paul I’s sudden, “accidental” death — you’ll just listen and nod.
CONFESSOR: Understood, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: Fucking right it’s understood. Don’t make me get all Borgia or Medici up in this bitch.
CONFESSOR: Is that all?
POPE FRANCIS: I just called Saint Peter’s Basilica a “bitch”. That’s probably a sin. How many Hail Marys do I owe? Can I have a Swiss Guard pay you later?
CONFESSOR: You are forgiven, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: Hey, is there a bathroom inside there?
CONFESSOR: Goodbye, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: [While walking away] Oh, I also totally know what happened to that Malaysian plane…it rhymes with “Balloon-minatti”. Robert Langdon knows what’s up. Can’t wait for Tom Hanks and Ron Howard to make a shitty movie about it…Hey, do you guys think Ratzinger had any “Wizards of Waverly Place” DVDs?

•This is a special Historically Accurate Transcription (Christmas edition) starring Joseph, Mary, and Baby Jesus•
JOSEPH: What the…
MARY: Let me explain.  An angel named Gabriel came and…
JOSEPH: I knew it!  I knew it, Mary!  I knew you weren’t “just getting fat”!  How could you make a fool out of me again?
MARY: Again?  What are you talking about?
JOSEPH: There was that guy…at the Inn.  The one who wouldn’t let us stay there.
MARY: What about him?
JOSEPH: Remember how I went back inside afterward?  Well, he told me that he wouldn’t let us stay because you came here in the past with strange men and left an hour after checking in each time.  He said he didn’t run that type of business.
MARY: You’re making things up.
JOSEPH: And now I come back from gathering firewood and you have a fucking BABY?  No wonder you’ve been covering yourself up even more than usual.
MARY: It was a miracle!  It was a virgin birth!
JOSEPH: The only miraculous thing about this is that I haven’t given you a backhand yet.  And the only virgin here is me since you were apparently tired from fucking every shepherd in Galilee
MARY: He’s the son of God!
JOSEPH: Well, you better call God up and tell him to help you get your shit.  
MARY: It is our duty to raise him.
JOSEPH: No, it is my duty to tell every woman around that Ol’ Joseph is back on the market and that since I’m the only man in Jerusalem who hasn’t been inside Mary, I’m the only man in Jerusalem who is gonorrhea-free.
MARY: You’ll be sorry, Joseph.  This is the Messiah and I’m going to name him Jesus.
JOSEPH: Jesus?  Why?  Is he part Mexican?  You said he’s the son of God.  Oh wait…I guess God is Mexican.  Yes, I’m sure that’s the case.  It’s clear from the high-paying jobs they are given and the respect they are treated with by others that they are the Chosen ones.
MARY: Fine.  Leave me, Joseph.  You will see that you are missing out on something very special here.  This boy will become the light of the world.
JOSEPH: I’m not going anywhere.  You are.  Take Luís, Jr. or whatever his name is and hit the road.  Joseph is calling an escort, biyatch!  And as for your little boy, I’m calling the Jews and letting them know we’ve got a troublemaker on our hands!

•This is a special Historically Accurate Transcription (Christmas edition) starring Joseph, Mary, and Baby Jesus•

JOSEPH: What the…
MARY: Let me explain.  An angel named Gabriel came and…
JOSEPH: I knew it!  I knew it, Mary!  I knew you weren’t “just getting fat”!  How could you make a fool out of me again?
MARY: Again?  What are you talking about?
JOSEPH: There was that guy…at the Inn.  The one who wouldn’t let us stay there.
MARY: What about him?
JOSEPH: Remember how I went back inside afterward?  Well, he told me that he wouldn’t let us stay because you came here in the past with strange men and left an hour after checking in each time.  He said he didn’t run that type of business.
MARY: You’re making things up.
JOSEPH: And now I come back from gathering firewood and you have a fucking BABY?  No wonder you’ve been covering yourself up even more than usual.
MARY: It was a miracle!  It was a virgin birth!
JOSEPH: The only miraculous thing about this is that I haven’t given you a backhand yet.  And the only virgin here is me since you were apparently tired from fucking every shepherd in Galilee
MARY: He’s the son of God!
JOSEPH: Well, you better call God up and tell him to help you get your shit. 
MARY: It is our duty to raise him.
JOSEPH: No, it is my duty to tell every woman around that Ol’ Joseph is back on the market and that since I’m the only man in Jerusalem who hasn’t been inside Mary, I’m the only man in Jerusalem who is gonorrhea-free.
MARY: You’ll be sorry, Joseph.  This is the Messiah and I’m going to name him Jesus.
JOSEPH: Jesus?  Why?  Is he part Mexican?  You said he’s the son of God.  Oh wait…I guess God is Mexican.  Yes, I’m sure that’s the case.  It’s clear from the high-paying jobs they are given and the respect they are treated with by others that they are the Chosen ones.
MARY: Fine.  Leave me, Joseph.  You will see that you are missing out on something very special here.  This boy will become the light of the world.
JOSEPH: I’m not going anywhere.  You are.  Take Luís, Jr. or whatever his name is and hit the road.  Joseph is calling an escort, biyatch!  And as for your little boy, I’m calling the Jews and letting them know we’ve got a troublemaker on our hands!

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Pope Francis, Papal Security, and the Papal Gentlemen in St. Peter’s Square•

POPE FRANCIS: Okay, let’s take a ride!
DRIVER:  Your Holiness, we are worried about your security.  Pope John Paul II was in this very same type of vehicle when he was shot and nearly killed.  Can’t we take the Popemobile? 
POPE FRANCIS:  No, my son, things are going to be different around here.  Plus, we need the room.
SECURITY:  But, Your Holiness, you are much too exposed.
POPE FRANCIS:  This is a new day in the Church.  It must be open, accessible, and transparent.  We have nothing to hide.
SECURITY:  Even Pope Benedict XVI rode in the bulletproof Popemobile, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS:  Oh, did he?  Well, last time I checked, Pope Benedict was also a Nazi quitter.  Who cares what he did?
SECURITY:  Well, Pope John Paul II wasn’t a quitter and he…
POPE FRANCIS:  …Enough about him!  He couldn’t spell “quit”.  Because he was Polish.  He spent 25 years trying to change a lightbulb in the Apostolic Palace.  He couldn’t figure it out because he was Polish.  See, Polish people are notoriously dumb.  Do you get what I’m saying?  Or are you Polish?
SECURITY:  Excuse me, Your Holiness?
POPE FRANCIS:  These European Popes have nothing on Francisco!  Viva la raza!  The world has a Latin Pope now.  I can’t wait to put Daytons and hydraulics on this whip.
SECURITY:  Whip?
POPE FRANCIS:  I’m not only the first Pope Francis, first South American Pope, first Pope from the Americas, first Jesuit Pope, and first Pope from the Western and Southern Hemispheres — I’m also gonna be the first Pope to have a spread in Lowrider Magazine!  Órale, vatos!  This is how we do it in Argentina!  El Papa es el shiznit!
GENTLEMAN #1:  We’re approaching the crowd, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS:  Okay, as I said, we have nothing to be ashamed of.  The Church has nothing to hide.  We do our work in front of the people.  Now let’s do the Church’s work.
GENTLEMAN #2:  Holy Father, one of us will be on each side of the vehicle.
POPE FRANCIS:  Okay, there is plenty of room back here, so let’s keep it steady.  Does this vehicle have a trunk?
DRIVER: (Confused) Yes, Your Holiness, a small trunk.
POPE FRANCIS:  That works.  Let’s do this!
GENTLEMAN #1 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Too fat.
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Too skinny.
GENTLEMAN #1 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Pretty sure that one is Jewish.  Throw it back.
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a school-age child
POPE FRANCIS:  Perfect.  Put it in the trunk!
(The Papal Gentlemen continue filling the Pope’s vehicle with children)
POPE FRANCIS:  This is transparency.  A new day for the Church!  Everything in the open!  No shame, no cover-ups.
GENTLEMAN #1 helps a teenager into the Popemobile
POPE FRANCIS:  WHAT THE…NO!  He has facial hair.  Way too old!  What do you think I am?  A Scientologist?
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a baby in purple clothes
POPE FRANCIS:  Eww…THAT’S A GIRL, YOU IDIOT!  I said I’m going to change the Church, not destroy it.
SECURITY:  Your Holiness, there’s no more room in the trunk.
POPE FRANCIS:  Very well.  This is a good start.  Let’s get back to the Papal Apartments, pump these kids full of Cocoa Puffs and Kahlua.  We’ll turn on some Sisqo for the kids and then some El Puma for El Papa.  It’s time to start Popeing!

I have had many, many requests for this, so I finally tracked down all of the Historically Accurate Transcriptions that I’ve written and posted online and collected them in one easy-to-access index page for anyone who might be interested.  The permanent link to the Historically Accurate Transcriptions Index page is located on the Dead Presidents main page directly below the link to my About the Author page, which desperately needs an update sometime soon.  You can click this link to go to the H.A.T. Index right now.
I’m pretty sure that the Index features links to every Historically Accurate Transcription that I’ve written, but if you’re a fan and know that I missed one, let me know and I’ll get it up there.
And, for those fans of them, my first new Historically Accurate Transcription in a long time (I think the most recent H.A.T. was shortly after Osama bin Laden was killed) will be posted later on today, so stay tuned!  I might rerun a couple of the older editions to give newer readers a feel for the what’s coming their way.

I have had many, many requests for this, so I finally tracked down all of the Historically Accurate Transcriptions that I’ve written and posted online and collected them in one easy-to-access index page for anyone who might be interested.  The permanent link to the Historically Accurate Transcriptions Index page is located on the Dead Presidents main page directly below the link to my About the Author page, which desperately needs an update sometime soon.  You can click this link to go to the H.A.T. Index right now.

I’m pretty sure that the Index features links to every Historically Accurate Transcription that I’ve written, but if you’re a fan and know that I missed one, let me know and I’ll get it up there.

And, for those fans of them, my first new Historically Accurate Transcription in a long time (I think the most recent H.A.T. was shortly after Osama bin Laden was killed) will be posted later on today, so stay tuned!  I might rerun a couple of the older editions to give newer readers a feel for the what’s coming their way.

•FROM ONE YEAR AGO: A very special Historically Accurate Transcription from the White House Situation Room•

CLINTON:  Oh my God!  I can’t believe it!
GATES
:  I know — I can’t believe Chris Jericho was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.
DALEY:  Wendy Williams…that’s a dude, right?
CLINTON
:  I think so.
BIDEN
:  I think Bill would still probably hit it.
OBAMA
:  Guys…let’s get focused.  General Webb, would you please change the channel so we can watch this go down.
GENERAL WEBB
:  I’m trying.  Mr. President.  I’m not really a PC guy, though.
GATES
:  I’ve spent my entire term trying to get the government to switch to Macs.
BIDEN
:  They really do look much cooler.
OBAMA
:  Again, we’re losing focus.
CLINTON
:  The President is right.
OBAMA
:  Of course I am right.  That’s why I’m here instead of one of those losers that I ran against in 2008.
CLINTON
:  Excuse me?  Are you really going to do this right now?  I am so tired of you rubbing it in.  There’s no need for a victory lap.
OBAMA
:  You see the seal on that white paper cup on the table?  It’s mine, not yours.
CLINTON
:  You’re such a dick sometimes.
OBAMA
:  And you’re not a President all the time.
GENERAL WEBB
:  Okay, I’m getting a video feed.
BIDEN
:  This is going to be great!
GATES
:  I don’t think this is necessary.  We got bin Laden.  Why are we doing this again?
OBAMA
:  I want to see the look on his face.  I NEED to see the look on his face.
GATES
:  That’s kind of sick, isn’t it?  I mean, you did it.  I’m happy you did it.  But this…this is just too much.
BIDEN
:  I don’t know, Gates.  I kind of want to see this, too.
CLINTON
:  I agree.
OBAMA
:  Of course you agree, Hillary.  You serve at the pleasure of the President — it’s in your best interest to agree.
BIDEN
:  Hahahaha…hey Barack, you’ll be the first President she pleased!  No need for you to find an intern!
DALEY
:  Oooooh…burn.
CLINTON
:  Fuck this.  I’m out of here.  You guys are children.
OBAMA
:  Children who were victorious in a national election unlike some Secretaries of State that I know.
GENERAL WEBB
:  There you go — we have video.  Do you see him?
OBAMA
:  Yep, there he is.
GATES
:  I don’t know if I want to watch this.  It’s going to be gruesome.
OBAMA
:  How is this going to work?
GENERAL WEBB
:  We’re going to keep the camera trained on his face.  Whenever you are ready, we’ll place the call.
OBAMA
:  Okay….GO.
GENERAL WEBB
:  The phone is ringing.  Keep watching him.  Alright, it’s all yours, Mr. President.
OBAMA
:  “Hello?  Hey, George…it’s Barack.  I just wanted to call you and let you know that American forces under my command just killed Osama bin Laden.  We got him….yeah…….yes, we did…………yes, I know how badly you wanted it to happen during your Presidency…..oh no, don’t cry, it’s a good day for America….yes, I’m sure that they are tears of joy….if only we were face-to-face so we could share this moment together….yes, President Bush, godspeed……I know……yes……I agree about Chris Jericho, too…..okay, well, we’ll talk soon….goodbye.
(ROOM ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER)

BIDEN
:  That was awesome!  Did you see the look on his face?
DALEY
:  It was priceless.  It looked like someone told him that gay people were giving abortions to illegal immigrants while they were doing stem cell research!
BIDEN
:  He looked like he did when he was reading “My Pet Goat”!
OBAMA
:  That was cruel.  He was crying.  I was having such a hard time trying not to laugh.
BIDEN
:  Tears of joy?  I’m sure.  I’m so glad we got to see video of that.
GATES
:  I’ve never seen something so mean.
GENERAL WEBB
:  We still have a video feed for a few more minutes.
BIDEN
:  Let’s see if he starts drinking.
OBAMA
:  Should we just have someone else call and say, “Hey, congratulations on killing bin Laden!” and then say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I think I called the wrong President.”?
BIDEN
:  We should get Hillary back in here.
OBAMA
:  Yes, tell her the President needs some coffee.
•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Barack Obama, former President George W. Bush, and former President Bill Clinton prior to a press conference on aid for Haitian earthquake victims•
OBAMA: Alright, George, you wanna handle this press conference?BUSH: Hell no.  I’m retired.  Clinton loved this shit, why don’t you go be President again, Bill?CLINTON: Nope.  I wanted the job back for the longest time, but even I didn’t have to deal with crap like this.OBAMA: Come on, guys.  Help a brother out.BUSH: I didn’t even think I’d have to come back here again.  Why didn’t you call my dad to do this?OBAMA: Your dad is 162 years old.  I think he’s done enough for his countryCLINTON: Yeah, plus you’re SO good at handling disasters, George.BUSH: I’m never going to live that Katrina thing down, am I?  OBAMA: You did drop the ball on that one.BUSH: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was hanging out with President Obama.  Can you tell me where to go so I can show that I care about black people, Kanye West?CLINTON: Come on, guys.  This is for the people of Haiti.OBAMA: George, I’ll never criticize your administration again if you take all the questions in this press conference.BUSH: Fuck that.  I’d rather be the taste-tester for Haitian drinking water.CLINTON:  You might not want to say that into the microphone.OBAMA: Seriously, one of you guys needs to take this one.  I need a break.  Bill…I’ll send Hillary on a diplomatic trip to Neptune if you handle this.CLINTON:  Nope.  You’re on your own, kid.  I had my issues with Haiti in 1994.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there like I did.OBAMA: But that was a political crisis, not a catastrophic disaster.  It is vastly more dangerous now.BUSH: Exactly.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there.  I hate those dudes.CLINTON: Ditto.  They are total dicks.OBAMA: What do I have to do?  I’m begging you guys…just this once…wait…what are you two laughing at?BUSH: Nothing…it’s just that…CLINTON: Don’t tell him!  BUSH: I have to, man.  I feel bad for him.  OBAMA: What is it?CLINTON: Fine.  We were going to play a practical joke on you.  When all the Presidents get together for a press conference like this, one of the ex-Presidents usually unzips his pants and lets a ball slide out while the current President speaks.OBAMA: Jesus.BUSH: Yeah…Bill actually did it at my Inauguration! CLINTON: Oh, that wasn’t a practical joke.  I was trying to hook up with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.BUSH: You hit that?  I always pegged you more as a Sandra Day O’Connor fan.CLINTON: Yeah, I nailed her, too.OBAMA: Guys, I don’t need this.CLINTON: When I was President, Gerald Ford pulled his entire dick out behind my back at the NAFTA press conference.  You remember that, George?BUSH: Nah, I was drunk until sometime in 1996.OBAMA: Alright, it’s time.  You guys might want to stop laughing.CLINTON: Shit, what do we care?  Constitutionally, we’re not even allowed to run for President again!  What do we have to lose?OBAMA: People’s respect?  It might tarnish your legacies.CLINTON: Legacies?  I got impeached and Dubya started like fifteen wars that we KNOW of.  BUSH: He’s right, Barack.  Hell, we might both pull our balls out.OBAMA: Please…think of the people in Haiti.CLINTON: He’s got a point, George.  We’ll just give Obama a wedgie instead.  Oh…shhh…here’s the press.  Serious faces.BUSH: I can’t stop smiling.CLINTON: Think of Hillary and Condoleeza Rice passionately kissing each other while wearing white latex bodysuits and standing in the middle of some sprinklers.BUSH: Jesus Christ.  I wish you would have taught me that trick when I was President so I didn’t come across as such a smarmy prick all the time.OBAMA: Alright…just go back into the White House, please.  I got this.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Barack Obama, former President George W. Bush, and former President Bill Clinton prior to a press conference on aid for Haitian earthquake victims•

OBAMA: Alright, George, you wanna handle this press conference?
BUSH: Hell no.  I’m retired.  Clinton loved this shit, why don’t you go be President again, Bill?
CLINTON: Nope.  I wanted the job back for the longest time, but even I didn’t have to deal with crap like this.
OBAMA: Come on, guys.  Help a brother out.
BUSH: I didn’t even think I’d have to come back here again.  Why didn’t you call my dad to do this?
OBAMA: Your dad is 162 years old.  I think he’s done enough for his country
CLINTON: Yeah, plus you’re SO good at handling disasters, George.
BUSH: I’m never going to live that Katrina thing down, am I? 
OBAMA: You did drop the ball on that one.
BUSH: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was hanging out with President Obama.  Can you tell me where to go so I can show that I care about black people, Kanye West?
CLINTON: Come on, guys.  This is for the people of Haiti.
OBAMA: George, I’ll never criticize your administration again if you take all the questions in this press conference.
BUSH: Fuck that.  I’d rather be the taste-tester for Haitian drinking water.
CLINTON:  You might not want to say that into the microphone.
OBAMA: Seriously, one of you guys needs to take this one.  I need a break.  Bill…I’ll send Hillary on a diplomatic trip to Neptune if you handle this.
CLINTON
:  Nope.  You’re on your own, kid.  I had my issues with Haiti in 1994.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there like I did.
OBAMA: But that was a political crisis, not a catastrophic disaster.  It is vastly more dangerous now.
BUSH: Exactly.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there.  I hate those dudes.
CLINTON: Ditto.  They are total dicks.
OBAMA: What do I have to do?  I’m begging you guys…just this once…wait…what are you two laughing at?
BUSH: Nothing…it’s just that…
CLINTON: Don’t tell him! 
BUSH: I have to, man.  I feel bad for him. 
OBAMA: What is it?
CLINTON: Fine.  We were going to play a practical joke on you.  When all the Presidents get together for a press conference like this, one of the ex-Presidents usually unzips his pants and lets a ball slide out while the current President speaks.
OBAMA: Jesus.
BUSH: Yeah…Bill actually did it at my Inauguration!
CLINTON: Oh, that wasn’t a practical joke.  I was trying to hook up with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
BUSH: You hit that?  I always pegged you more as a Sandra Day O’Connor fan.
CLINTON: Yeah, I nailed her, too.
OBAMA: Guys, I don’t need this.
CLINTON: When I was President, Gerald Ford pulled his entire dick out behind my back at the NAFTA press conference.  You remember that, George?
BUSH: Nah, I was drunk until sometime in 1996.
OBAMA: Alright, it’s time.  You guys might want to stop laughing.
CLINTON: Shit, what do we care?  Constitutionally, we’re not even allowed to run for President again!  What do we have to lose?
OBAMA: People’s respect?  It might tarnish your legacies.
CLINTON: Legacies?  I got impeached and Dubya started like fifteen wars that we KNOW of. 
BUSH: He’s right, Barack.  Hell, we might both pull our balls out.
OBAMA: Please…think of the people in Haiti.
CLINTON: He’s got a point, George.  We’ll just give Obama a wedgie instead.  Oh…shhh…here’s the press.  Serious faces.
BUSH: I can’t stop smiling.
CLINTON: Think of Hillary and Condoleeza Rice passionately kissing each other while wearing white latex bodysuits and standing in the middle of some sprinklers.
BUSH: Jesus Christ.  I wish you would have taught me that trick when I was President so I didn’t come across as such a smarmy prick all the time.
OBAMA: Alright…just go back into the White House, please.  I got this.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley•

NIXON: Thanks for coming by, Elvis.  I know that it’s your birthday today and my birthday is tomorrow, so I figured we’d have ourselves a little party.
ELVIS: No problem, Mr. President.  You know I dig your Oval Office parties!  Can you turn the tape recorder off, though?  You know how I roll…
NIXON: Of course, we wouldn’t want to get ourselves in trouble.  Oh wait, I’m the President!  I can’t get in trouble.  Did you bring what I asked? 
ELVIS: Yes, sir.  Wait a second…who is this guy with the glasses?  Is he a Narc?  This guy gonna turn us in?  I don’t like guys with glasses.
NIXON: Well, you had glasses on when you came in.  They are right there on the table.
ELVIS: Those aren’t glasses.  Those are shades, man.  Seriously, he can stay, but can you have him stop looking at me?
NIXON: Wow…check out those cuff links!  That is the definition of bling, Elvis.
ELVIS: Man, these are diamonds created from the cremated bones of Tyrannosaurus Rex legs.  You know how much these cost?
NIXON: How much?
ELVIS: I don’t know, Dick…I was fucking HIGH AS HELL when I bought them!
NIXON: (Laughs)  That reminds me…did you bring the sticky-icky?  Let’s get this party started.  I might even take my suit jacket off!
ELVIS: Oh, I brought it.  This creepy dude with glasses has to leave, though.
NIXON: He’s fine, Elvis.  Let’s hotbox the Oval Office and get some girls in here.  I want to dance.  Dick Nixon wants to get down!
ELVIS: Creepy guy with glasses can stay, but I’ll karate chop him if he doesn’t stop looking at me.  Where’s the Memphis Mafia…they brought the girls.  You wanna roll a blunt for us, Dick?
NIXON: Absolutely.  Happy Birthday, King.
ELVIS: Thank you, thankyouverymuch.  Happy Birthday, Mr. President

•This is a special Historically Accurate Transcription (Christmas edition) starring Joseph, Mary, and Baby Jesus•
JOSEPH: What the…MARY: Let me explain.  An angel named Gabriel came and…JOSEPH: I knew it!  I knew it, Mary!  I knew you weren’t “just getting fat”!  How could you make a fool out of me again?MARY: Again?  What are you talking about?JOSEPH: There was that guy…at the Inn.  The one who wouldn’t let us stay there.MARY: What about him?JOSEPH: Remember how I went back inside afterward?  Well, he told me that he wouldn’t let us stay because you came here in the past with strange men and left an hour after checking in each time.  He said he didn’t run that type of business.MARY: You’re making things up.JOSEPH: And now I come back from gathering firewood and you have a fucking BABY?  No wonder you’ve been covering yourself up even more than usual.MARY: It was a miracle!  It was a virgin birth!JOSEPH: The only miraculous thing about this is that I haven’t given you a backhand yet.  And the only virgin here is me since you were apparently tired from fucking every shepherd in GalileeMARY: He’s the son of God!JOSEPH: Well, you better call God up and tell him to help you get your shit.  MARY: It is our duty to raise him.JOSEPH: No, it is my duty to tell every woman around that Ol’ Joseph is back on the market and that since I’m the only man in Jerusalem who hasn’t been inside Mary, I’m the only man in Jerusalem who is gonorrhea-free.MARY: You’ll be sorry, Joseph.  This is the Messiah and I’m going to name him Jesus.JOSEPH:  Jesus?  Why?  Is he part Mexican?  You said he’s the son of God.  Oh wait…I guess God is Mexican.  Yes, I’m sure that’s the case.  It’s clear from the high-paying jobs they are given and the respect they are treated with by others that they are the Chosen ones.MARY: Fine.  Leave me, Joseph.  You will see that you are missing out on something very special here.  This boy will become the light of the world.JOSEPH: I’m not going anywhere.  You are.  Take Luís, Jr. or whatever his name is and hit the road.  Joseph is calling an escort, biyatch!  And as for your little boy, I’m calling the Jews and letting them know we’ve got a troublemaker on our hands!

•This is a special Historically Accurate Transcription (Christmas edition) starring Joseph, Mary, and Baby Jesus•

JOSEPH: What the…
MARY: Let me explain.  An angel named Gabriel came and…
JOSEPH: I knew it!  I knew it, Mary!  I knew you weren’t “just getting fat”!  How could you make a fool out of me again?
MARY: Again?  What are you talking about?
JOSEPH: There was that guy…at the Inn.  The one who wouldn’t let us stay there.
MARY: What about him?
JOSEPH: Remember how I went back inside afterward?  Well, he told me that he wouldn’t let us stay because you came here in the past with strange men and left an hour after checking in each time.  He said he didn’t run that type of business.
MARY: You’re making things up.
JOSEPH: And now I come back from gathering firewood and you have a fucking BABY?  No wonder you’ve been covering yourself up even more than usual.
MARY: It was a miracle!  It was a virgin birth!
JOSEPH: The only miraculous thing about this is that I haven’t given you a backhand yet.  And the only virgin here is me since you were apparently tired from fucking every shepherd in Galilee
MARY: He’s the son of God!
JOSEPH: Well, you better call God up and tell him to help you get your shit. 
MARY: It is our duty to raise him.
JOSEPH: No, it is my duty to tell every woman around that Ol’ Joseph is back on the market and that since I’m the only man in Jerusalem who hasn’t been inside Mary, I’m the only man in Jerusalem who is gonorrhea-free.
MARY: You’ll be sorry, Joseph.  This is the Messiah and I’m going to name him Jesus.
JOSEPH: Jesus?  Why?  Is he part Mexican?  You said he’s the son of God.  Oh wait…I guess God is Mexican.  Yes, I’m sure that’s the case.  It’s clear from the high-paying jobs they are given and the respect they are treated with by others that they are the Chosen ones.
MARY: Fine.  Leave me, Joseph.  You will see that you are missing out on something very special here.  This boy will become the light of the world.
JOSEPH: I’m not going anywhere.  You are.  Take Luís, Jr. or whatever his name is and hit the road.  Joseph is calling an escort, biyatch!  And as for your little boy, I’m calling the Jews and letting them know we’ve got a troublemaker on our hands!

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription featuring George W. Bush and Rick Perry•

PERRY: Are you understanding this, George?
BUSH: I’m trying.  Am I holding this the right way?
PERRY: I’m gonna be honest — I don’t have a goddamn clue how to use one of these things.
BUSH: Do we plug it in somewhere?  Is this one of them iKindle’s?  I guess we’ll follow the kid’s lead.
PERRY: Yeah, this kid is amazing.  He hasn’t messed up once.  I don’t know how he knows all of this.
BUSH: It’s impressive, but I hate that they are teaching foreign languages like this in our schools.
PERRY: I know…I might be Governor of Texas, but even I can’t read this Spanish book.
BUSH: Oh, I can read Spanish.  This isn’t Spanish.  This type of language is proof that we’re letting the terrorists win.  It’s in Arabic, or Ebonics or something.
KID: Actually, this book is in English.
PERRY: On second thought, I don’t like this kid’s attitude one bit.  He shouldn’t get uppity with us just because you and I have probably executed most of his relatives.
BUSH:  Exactly.  Look how long his shorts are.  I think Obama let him out of Guantanamo.  If you get into the White House, you should open it back up for business and make him the first customer.
PERRY: Do Presidents have to do a lot of this, George?  I’m okay with visiting kids — even brown ones like in Houston and San Antonio — but I don’t know about reading publicly.
BUSH:  Well, I went to great lengths to avoid it, Rick.  Hell, if you remember, I staged 9/11 just to get out of reading out loud.
PERRY: Holy shit, that’s why you did it?  What a brilliant move!  It got you out of that classroom in Florida that morning AND allowed you to invade Iraq!  You’re a genius!
BUSH: Two birds, one stone, Rick.  That wasn’t even a Rove idea, either.  It was all “43”.
PERRY: You did have to read My Pet Goat that morning, though.
BUSH: I was so drunk that morning that I had no idea what I was looking at.  I thought it was a menu from Denny’s.  Fortunately for me, Andrew Card came over and whispered, “We had the government go ahead and mastermind a massive terrorist attack if you want to get out of here.”
PERRY: And you mosey’d on out!
BUSH: Damn right, mosey’d right out.  I amscrayed right into history, if I can use a little Latin.
KID: That was Pig Latin, and just one word of it.
BUSH: You are really pushing your luck, kid, both with your disrespect and the fact that you tucked that awful baby blue shirt into your jorts.
PERRY: I like your style, Dubya.  We’re just two authentic Texans, aren’t we?
BUSH: With the cowboy boots, belt buckles, and debating skills to prove it.  Two tough sumbitches who just happened to be male cheerleaders while mired in sub-mediocrity at their respective colleges.
PERRY: Real quick, George…if you had your choice, what book would you rather be reading right now?  On the count of three, we’ll both answer that question:  1…2…3!
BUSH and PERRY (IN UNISON): A POP-UP BOOK OF NOLAN RYAN THROWING A NO-HITTER AGAINST GAY PEOPLE AND IMMIGRANT ABORTION DOCTORS WHO LOVE TEXAS AND KNOW ALL OF THE DEPARTMENTS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!!!
PERRY: Yee-haw!
BUSH: Wow…did we just become best friends?

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Senator Robert F. Kennedy and a busboy in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles, June 1968•

BUSBOY: Senator Kennedy!  Oh no!  Senator Kennedy, are you hit?
RFK: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.
BUSBOY: You’re bleeding!  What a tragedy!
RFK: Seriously?  Nobody saw this coming?  Not ONE person on my staff felt like I might be a target?
AIDE: I’m right here, Senator, we’re getting you some help!
RFK: Thanks…AFTER someone shot me in the head.  Dude, EVERYONE knew that this would happen!  You couldn’t have gotten me some security?
AIDE: It never crossed our minds that…
RFK: You’re so fucking retarded.  If I live, you’re all fired and I’m going to fuck each and every one of your wives.  Better yet, I’ll fuck them and then have them killed, like I did to Marilyn Monroe.
BUSBOY: Senator, here’s a rosary…
RFK: What am I going to do with a rosary?  Put it in the hole in my head to stop my brains from leaking out on to the floor of the Ambassador Hotel’s pantry.  And why am I being attended to by a busboy?  I didn’t spill soup on my tie — I GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD.
BUSBOY: But…
RFK: And you’re MEXICAN!  Also, you look exactly like the guy who just shot me.
BUSBOY: Oh, Senator, I am praying for you.
RFK: You should pray for my staff because they are in deep shit if I don’t leave the hospital in a box.  I mean, holy fucking shit, didn’t ANYONE see this coming?
AIDE: The ambulance is on the way.
RFK: I want an answer!!!  We watched my brother get assassinated.  We watched Malcolm X get assassinated.  We just saw Dr. King gets assassinated.  Not one person on my staff realized, “Well, Bobby’s shaking things up, too, maybe we should build him a bulletproof hat?”
AIDE: You’re gonna be okay, Senator.
RFK: AM I?  Am I really going to be okay?  As Marcellus Wallace would say, “I’m pretty fucking far from okay.”
BUSBOY: Hold my hand, sir…Hail Mary, full of grace..
RFK: SOMEBODY GET THIS MEXICAN AWAY FROM ME!  No wonder I got shot.  Anyone can get near me!  Seriously, you guys already let somebody put a gun against the back of my head and pull the trigger.  Can you at least get this motherfucker away from me?  He’s creeping me out.  Also, he’s touching me…if I die I’m gonna have to take a shower before going to Hell because there is too much Mexican on me.
AIDE: The ambulance has arrived…
RFK: Great, I’m sure you guys won’t screw this up, either.  Here’s a hint:  don’t let the stretcher fall out of the back of the ambulance while we’re driving down the freeway.  I know it seems like I don’t need to say that, but YOU LET SOMEBODY SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD!

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X•

KING: Yo…Brother Malcolm, what it do?
MALCOLM: Hey!  How’s it going, Doc?  What’s new?
KING: Nothing, man.  I’m getting ready for this March On Washington.  I’m making a speech to a bunch of crackers at the Lincoln Memorial.
MALCOLM: Yeah…I heard.  Good luck with that…
KING: Shit, no one listens to what I’m saying anyway.  A lot of good all my other speeches have done so far.  I’m just gonna change my tactics.
MALCOLM: Like what?  You know I’m not down with that non-violence shit, but it seems to work for you.
KING: Nope.  I’m tired of it.  I’m announcing a new way of doing business at this March.
MALCOLM: What do you have in mind?
KING: Well, I had a dream and I’m gonna talk about it.
MALCOLM:  You’re gonna talk about a dream?  I don’t know, Doc.  That sounds boring.
KING: Naw…you’ll dig it.  I was dreaming about punching white people.  I’m going to announce the new tactic:  Punch A White Guy.
MALCOLM: Whoa, homie.  That’s a big change!
KING: Hell yeah.  Punch a white guy, sleep with the white women, and eat white babies.
MALCOLM: Martin, you’ve been getting some respect.  Things are still rough, but maybe you shouldn’t throw it all away by doing this, especially when your audience will be so big.
KING: That’s the best time!  We’re gonna have a big, diverse group of people in front of us.  I’m going to have the brothas turn and punch the closest white person!  I thought you’d love this!
MALCOLM: Naw, bro…you should stick to what you’ve been doing.  It’s a good balance with what I’m doing.  It’s a good cop, bad cop thing.  It works.  Slowly, but it works.
KING: I’m changing my name, too.  Not to that Muslim shit like you guys, but to something cool…King Martin Fucks Your White Women.  “The Second”.
MALCOLM: I think you’re making a mistake, Doc.
KING: What do you think I should do?  Go up there and talk about how I dream about my kids playing with the kids of the people holding us down?
MALCOLM: Yeah…actually I do.  Keep doing what you’ve been doing.
KING: I’m gonna say, “You’re right.  We’re not equal.  Black folks are WAY better at basketball than you crackers.  Also, bigger dicks.”
MALCOLM: No…no, don’t do that, Doc.
KING: I’m going to say, “Do you know where I see white people and black people in the future?” and then pause and say, “STILL ON DEEZ NUTS!!!”.
MALCOLM: Well, I’m gonna pray that you think differently, Martin.  I think you can do better than that.
KING: Maybe.  Who knows what I’ll do, Malcolm?  I’m fucking high as hell right now.  You wanna hit some of this Indo?
MALCOLM: No thanks.  Listen, I gotta run.  I’ve gotta prayer group I’m meeting.  I hope things work out for you, Doc.
KING: Word. 
KING:  (After Malcolm’s gone)  Is it me, or is he turning into a bitch?