Dead Presidents

I’m not sure it’s possible to answer this one.  Unfortunately, we don’t know the extent of Lincoln’s sense of humor because we have no video or audio of him and there wasn’t a White House Correspondents Dinner or anything in the 1860s.  We can guess about it since we know he enjoyed jokes and to tell his funny stories to folks (sometimes over-and-over-and-over again!), but it’s not like there is some sort of instrument to measure and compare the senses of humor of two people.  

Plus — and we don’t know this for sure, either, so it’s just a wild guess — I think Lincoln and Obama are probably funny in different ways.  Lincoln seemed to have a story for everything, loved to hear a good joke and was always ready to tell one of his own, was self-deprecating about his height and his looks, and enjoyed reading many of the comedic writers of his day.  Obama’s humor is probably not as goofy or silly as Lincoln supposedly could be, but President Obama has great comedic timing.  Those White House Correspondents Dinners can be awkward with Presidents who might have funny speeches written for them but lose a little on the presentation because they aren’t used to the rhythm of comedy (I’m looking at you, President Clinton!).  Obama has a great delivery when he’s trying to be funny.              

Let’s not forget that Reagan was a pretty funny guy, too.  He and JFK had really quick wits and funny little quips.  They also had good comedic timing and delivery, especially Reagan, although I guess being a professional actor helped with that.  George W. Bush could be funny at times, too, but didn’t have too many opportunities to let loose during his Administration since the world happened to go to hell for eight years.                                                                                                     

I think that Eisenhower and Reagan probably would have been tempted to seek a third term, if possible.  They both had health problems during their Presidencies, but I could see Eisenhower seeking a third term anyway.  He had a difficult time stepping away, which is one reason why he waited so long to give Richard Nixon a solid endorsement in 1960.  It wasn’t necessarily a lack of confidence in Nixon’s abilities, but partly because Ike felt that he (Ike) was still the best man for the job. 

Reagan, like Clinton, loved being President, too.  But when Reagan left office in 1989, he was about two weeks away from his 78th birthday and, according to his official biographer, Edmund Morris, there were signs that he may have been facing the early stages of his Alzheimer’s in the last few weeks of his Administration.  Since President Reagan looked relatively healthy and definitely looked fit for his age, it’s difficult for people to realize that he was almost a full eight years older than Eisenhower (70) was when Ike left office.  Even if Eisenhower had served another term, Ike still would have been four years younger than Reagan at the end of that third term.  I think Reagan’s age and deteriorating health would have prevented him from a third term if it was Constitutionally possible.  As closely as his public image was protected by Nancy Reagan, there is no way she would have stood by while he hung on for another term and publicly started to suffer from serious Alzheimer’s symptoms.

An interesting thing is that, if they had the opportunity to run for a third term and their health allowed it, I think Eisenhower, Reagan, and Clinton all would have been easily elected to another term.  I think George W. Bush would have had a much more difficult time with seeking a third term, if possible.  However, I don’t think Bush would have run again even if he was Constitutionally eligible.  In those last few months of 2008, President Bush looked SO ready to get back to Texas.  Even if his chances of being re-elected were positive, I still think he would have chosen retirement instead of a third term.

As for the second part of your question, I think that Truman would have stepped away in 1952, no matter what.  All Truman ever wanted to do was remain a U.S. Senator.  When he was suggested as a potential Vice Presidential candidate, he was not interested, and when others reminded him that President Franklin D. Roosevelt likely wouldn’t survive the term, Truman declared that he didn’t want to be President either.  Of course, he was elected Vice President and as in the case of almost every VP who succeeds to the Presidency, once Truman got to the White House he wanted to be elected to a term in his own right.  Still, before Eisenhower declared that he was a Republican, Truman was suggesting that he (Truman) would be happy to step aside and be Eisenhower’s running mate if Ike wanted to run for President as a Democrat.  So, Harry Truman did not mind retiring home to Missouri in 1952, and I think he would have done so, no matter what.

LBJ’s case was different.  The fact that he was very nearly upset in the 1968 New Hampshire Democratic Primary by Eugene McCarthy really shook President Johnson up and showed that he was vulnerable.  If there wasn’t a serious challenge from within his own party — first from McCarthy and then from RFK — LBJ would have stayed in that race in 1968.  Despite his withdrawal from the race, deep down LBJ still had a flicker of hope that the Democratic National Convention would be deadlocked, turn to the outgoing LBJ, draft him into the race, nominate him, and he’d be the conquering hero, vanquishing Nixon and bringing the Vietnam War to an end.  

LBJ was also a man of contradictions, though.  Throughout his life, he always said that he would die young because all of the men in his family died by the time they were 64 or 65.  As much as Johnson was addicted to power and craved the love of the American people (something that he never received like JFK did, which “broke his heart” according to Richard Nixon), he was also deeply worried that another four years in the White House would kill him.  Worse yet, he would suffer an incapacitating stroke like Woodrow Wilson.  LBJ often had a nightmare where he fell ill like Wilson and was an invalid — a shell of a once-powerful man bedridden or feebly being rolled through the White House in a wheelchair.  It was an macabre thing to think about, but it was something that frequently haunted President Johnson, especially because he had suffered a near-fatal massive heart attack in 1955 when he was Senate Majority Leader.  The confident, arrogant, impetuous, strong-willed LBJ wanted to take on Nixon and serve four more years in the White House.  The sensitive, insecure, depressed LBJ considered resigning, didn’t think he’d live through the next term (1969-1973), and often had to receive a pep talk from Lady Bird to get his act together and go to work.  So, with LBJ, it would actually depend on which LBJ you got on decision day when it comes to whether he would have sought a third term if not for the disastrous results of the 1968 New Hampshire Democratic Primary.

By the way, Lyndon Johnson died on January 22, 1973.  If he had served a third term, it would have ended on January 20, 1973, just two days prior to the day that he actually died.

I think Robert Gates is probably the best Secretary of Defense (or Secretary of War) since Henry L. Stimson and probably in the Top 5 in all of American history (a lot of Americans would probably be surprised to realize that many historians, including myself consider Jefferson Davis to be #1).  Gates was loyal, dependable, incredibly smart, eminently qualified, and had the respect and confidence of not only the military, but two Presidents from different parties who had almost nothing in common other than Robert Gates as their Secretary of Defense.  For President Bush and President Obama, Secretary Gates was the ideal Cabinet member — supportive, yet unafraid to voice objections or an opposing viewpoint, and completely capable of managing his department and getting the most out of his people.  I have nothing but respect for Robert Gates.

Oh, I’d say right after then-Texas Governor George W. Bush kicked his ass something fierce during the 2000 Republican primaries.  In 2000, McCain got his hopes up because the whole “maverick/Straight Talk Express” stuff worked nicely in New Hampshire, but that shit didn’t play down South, especially once the Bush campaign got nasty.  McCain may have spent five years being tortured in a North Vietnamese prison camp, but he wasn’t conditioned for the monumental beatdown he took in South Carolina courtesy of Karl Rove and the Bush campaign. 

It wasn’t anything for anyone to be proud of — in fact, the Bush campaign did some repugnant, borderline (if not outright) racist things and played to the worst fears of the historically reactionary South Carolinians, but it was after that 2000 South Carolina primary that John McCain realized what it took to win his party’s nomination.

Plus, John McCain is a 76-year-old man and you’d probably be cranky, too, if your plane had been shot down and then got the shit kicked out of you so regularly for five years at the Hanoi Hilton that you can’t raise your arms above your head.  Physically, it’s obviously an issue.  But think about the emotional scars of always having to be the “M” when you and your friends do the Village People’s “YMCA” at karaoke.  (Too soon?)

On top of all that, just imagine that you are John McCain.  Really, imagine it.  You are John McCain and you wake up every morning and look in the mirror and think about all of the adversity you overcame.  All of the things I mentioned earlier — the war injuries, the lengthy time as a POW, the personal attacks.  You have moved forward and leaped over many of the obstacles you faced.  You bounced back from the disastrous 2000 Republican primaries and, despite your age, became the 2008 Republican Presidential nominee — winning that nomination so much more easily than anyone expected.  You stand at your mirror thinking about how far you, John McCain, have come — how much you’ve grown.  Look at what you’ve accomplished!  Look at what you’ve become! 

And then it begins.  It begins with a single, solitary tear rolling down your Dr. Evil-looking head.  That tear is followed by heavier, old-man-tears; thick, watery globules of sadness and loss.  You’re breathing heavily, gasping for air because you are so overcome by a constrictive feeling that you’ve learned is a potent mixture of shame and disappointment — as if the chemicals and tissues that make up who you are have taken on a life of their own and decided to try to strangle you where you stand.  What you are doing can only be described in one way — sobbing.  You, John McCain, are sobbing.  The tears falling and the pained moans seemingly escaping from the depths of your broken heart cause you to hyperventilate.  You must sit down, splash water on your face, close your eyes for a few minutes.  You try to control those emotions with the breathing exercises you’ve been taught.  Sometimes it takes two-to-three hours for you to leave your bedroom.  Sometimes, it seems as if nobody will be able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, so you just pull the heavy, black velvet curtains over your bedroom windows and sleep.

But you will wake up, John McCain.  And you’ll go into your bathroom and look in your mirror, and it will all begin again, just as it does three or four times a day.  Your lip will quiver, your hands will shake, those ever-present tears will rush to flood your eyes, and you’ll scream at yourself, “WHY DID YOU NOMINATE HER?  YOU BLEW IT!  YOU FUCKING BLEW IT!!!”

And that might explain what’s happened to John McCain — why, in between the tears and the gasps for breath, you hear him angrily mutter the words “Hockey Mom” and “Fuck Alaska”.  If after a lifetime of service, when you were making your bid for the White House, and you stupidly nominated Sarah Palin to be your Vice President…well, you might be cranky, too.

It all started in the spring of 1986 when George W. Bush was sent to Iraq as a secret emissary on behalf of the Reagan Administration.  Despite his lack of experience in…well…anything, President Reagan sent Bush because Bush’s father, Vice President George H.W. Bush, said he could be trusted.

The Iran-Iraq War was at a stalemate and the younger Bush went to Iraq in order to offer assistance to the Iraqis in their cause.  The United States had a vested interest in the deposition of Iran’s Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, and senior aides in the Reagan Administration, as well as top American intelligence officials, believed that strengthening Iraq would lead to an Iranian defeat and that an Iranian defeat would result in the end of Iran’s Islamic Revolution.  That would bring about the fall of Ayatollah Khomeini.

George W. Bush, just 39 years old at the time, arrived in Baghdad in secret and was whisked away by helicopter to one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces, on the Euphrates River in Najaf.  It was there that the eventual adversaries would first meet, but at the time, they really enjoyed each other’s company.  For hours, they joked, watched local performers, spoke to one another about their hopes and dreams, and then gathered for dinner.

During that dinner, the seeds were planted for a conflict that later would cost thousands of American and Iraqi lives.  Saddam and Bush feasted on quail that Saddam claimed he had personally hunted earlier that day.  Bush, remembering his diplomatic initiative, asked Saddam what the United States and President Reagan could do to help Iraq defeat the Iranians and topple Ayatollah Khomeini.  Saddam laid out what he would need, and Bush assured the Iraqi leader that his requests would be no problem and that he was glad that they could come to an agreement.

Unfortunately, both men began drinking during the dinner, and both men became boisterous.  Good-natured joking was transforming into sharp jabs and then downright hostility.  Saddam and Bush were joined by a very small group of people, and the entire room went silent as the Iraqi dictator and the future American President started boasting about their manhood and making challenges to the other man.

Saddam found himself in an unusual position as Bush would not defer to him in these challenges.  When Saddam dropped and did 50 push-ups, Bush did the same.  When Saddam swam across the Euphrates and back, Bush did, as well.  They had a foot race around the palace with no clear winner.  Arm-wrestling settled nothing.  They competed to see who could kick a soccer ball the furthest and, again, there was no distinction between the two.  Saddam skipped a rock across the river six times, and so did Bush. 

Saddam was getting more-and-more frustrated by his inability to best George W. Bush in feats of strength, athletic contests, or the board game “Sorry!”.  If an Iraqi had met all of Saddam’s challenges as Bush had without deferring to the Iraqi dictator, Saddam would have had his son Uday torture the man.  Of course, he couldn’t do that with the son of the Vice President of the United States, especially since he had been sent as a special emissary by President Reagan.

Suddenly, an idea brightened Saddam’s countenance.  He summoned an aide and whispered something in the man’s ear.  Five minutes later, Saddam’s aide walked in with a large boombox and an Iraqi soldier brought in several pieces of cardboard.

Saddam stood up, loosened his tie, removed his military-style beret, and rolled up his sleeves.  Staring at George W. Bush with fire in his eyes, the Iraqi dictator growled, “Let’s see your B-boy stance, Texas.”

Bush quickly stood up, ready for the challenge, removed his jacket, and rolled up his shirtsleeves, as well.  Removing his shoes, Bush gestured to Saddam, “It’s your country…for now…so, why don’t you go first?”.

Although he was fuming and visibly shaken by Bush’s confidence, Saddam closed his eyes, took three deep breaths, and pointed at the Iraqi near the boombox.  Immediately, Run-D.M.C.’s self-titled album began playing and — there’s really no other way to put this: Saddam Hussein got the fuck down.  The Iraqi dictator was popping, locking, busting out power moves and pulling up with world-class freezes.

Bush was obviously overmatched.  The confidence was gone.  The liquid courage from the night’s alcohol was abandoning him.  As “Rock Box” played, Bush proved that he couldn’t match Saddam Hussein in everything.  Had it ended there, with Saddam smiling and shaking hands with the future President after Bush graciously admitted defeated, perhaps the world would be different today.

Saddam, however, had been humiliated earlier in the night.  Instead of smiling and shaking Bush’s hand, he pointed once against to the boombox.  Saddam stared hard at Bush, did the Crip Walk and then transformed that into a Moonwalk.  Saddam Moonwalked right out of the room, continuing to stare Bush in the eyes, and saying, as he reached the doorway, “Show yourself out, motherfucker.”

When George W. Bush returned to the United States, he immediately gave up drinking alcohol and focused himself on his life and future.  He swore to himself that he would one day gain revenge against Saddam Hussein’s disrespectful showing during their b-boy battle in Iraq.  Everything Bush did from 1986 on was done with the single purpose of destroying Saddam Hussein.  Owner of a baseball team, Governor of Teas, President of the United States — none of these things meant much if Saddam Hussein was still gloating about his victory.

People talk about the oil or the revenge for slights against George W. Bush’s father or a search for weapons of mass destruction, but you now know the truth.  George W. Bush went to war in Iraq because Saddam Hussein ambushed and embarrassed him during their breakdancing battle in 1986.  There was never blood for oil; the blood was for breakdancing.

I don’t get a W. vibe from Romney at all.  For one thing, despite all of George W. Bush’s many faults (and there were many), he was a far better politician than Mitt Romney is.  Bush had natural political skills and was much better on the campaign trail than many critics give him credit for.  It’s not possible to win two, razor-tight elections without some political skill and President Bush had an underrated ability to connect with people while campaigning.  Romney has hit his stride since naming Congressman Ryan as his running mate and he has been looking better on the campaign trail over the past two weeks, but he’s never going to be the folksy, press-fleshing candidate.  And, unlike Bush, he doesn’t have solid, concrete political foundations or beliefs that he wouldn’t dare deviate from.

Now, with that said, I do think Mitt Romney would be a better President than George W. Bush.  That’s not an endorsement or what I’m hoping to see, but I think Romney is more flexible and flexibility is actually an asset for a President.  Romney is certainly more idea-oriented and hands-on, and he’s a proven administrator who is comfortable with leading and managing. 

But, other than the party affiliation, I think Bush and Romney are two very different politicians.