•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley•
NIXON: Thanks for coming by, Elvis. I know that it’s your birthday today and my birthday is tomorrow, so I figured we’d have ourselves a little party.
ELVIS: No problem, Mr. President. You know I dig your Oval Office parties! Can you turn the tape recorder off, though? You know how I roll…
NIXON: Of course, we wouldn’t want to get ourselves in trouble. Oh wait, I’m the President! I can’t get in trouble. Did you bring what I asked?
ELVIS: Yes, sir. Wait a second…who is this guy with the glasses? Is he a Narc? This guy gonna turn us in? I don’t like guys with glasses.
NIXON: Well, you had glasses on when you came in. They are right there on the table.
ELVIS: Those aren’t glasses. Those are shades, man. Seriously, he can stay, but can you have him stop looking at me?
NIXON: Wow…check out those cuff links! That is the definition of bling, Elvis.
ELVIS: Man, these are diamonds created from the cremated bones of Tyrannosaurus Rex legs. You know how much these cost?
NIXON: How much?
ELVIS: I don’t know, Dick…I was fucking HIGH AS HELL when I bought them!
NIXON: (Laughs) That reminds me…did you bring the sticky-icky? Let’s get this party started. I might even take my suit jacket off!
ELVIS: Oh, I brought it. This creepy dude with glasses has to leave, though.
NIXON: He’s fine, Elvis. Let’s hotbox the Oval Office and get some girls in here. I want to dance. Dick Nixon wants to get down!
ELVIS: Creepy guy with glasses can stay, but I’ll karate chop him if he doesn’t stop looking at me. Where’s the Memphis Mafia…they brought the girls. You wanna roll a blunt for us, Dick?
NIXON: Absolutely. Happy Birthday, King.
ELVIS: Thank you, thankyouverymuch. Happy Birthday, Mr. President