Dead Presidents
By Anthony Bergen
E-Mail: bergen.anthony@gmail.com
Anonymous asked: Well, what were some of Clinton’s domestic accomplishments then? (Also, thanks for reminding me of Ike’s accomplishments!)
Oh, man…
•Longest economic expansion in American History; 116 consecutive months of economic growth
•Lowest unemployment rate in 30 years
•Turned significant budget deficits into three straight budget surpluses
•2000 budget surplus was the largest in American History
•First balanced budgets since 1969
•COPS Program: 10,000 more police officers on the streets
•Lowest violent crime rates in a quarter-century
•Welfare reform; 53% reduction in welfare recipients
•Children’s Health Insurance Program
•Family and Medical Leave Act
•AmeriCorps
•The Brady Bill (Handgun violence prevention)
•Record low poverty rates; lowest poverty rates ever for single mothers, African-Americans, and the elderly
•More jobs created than in any other Presidential Administration
•Lowest inflation rate since JFK was President
•Established drug czar; reduced drug use in children and overall; drug-related murders decreased by nearly 50% in the Clinton Administration
•Highest home-ownership rate in American History
•90% increase in funding for Head Start and ECE programs
•Minimum wage increase
•Adoption and Safe Families Act
•Increased Title-I funding; reduced classroom size; expanded Pell Grants and Work Study Program; Lifetime Learning Tax Credit; HOPE scholarships
•Hate Crimes Enhancement Act
•Megan’s Law
•Crackdown on deadbeat dads; Reduced number of children reported abused or neglected
•Lowest rate of teen births in the 60 years since records started being kept
•Kennedy-Kassebaum Health Care Portability Act
•Medicare/Medicaid reform and security
•Increased numbers of children receiving immunizations and vaccinations
•Increase in preservation and conservation of forests, rivers, coastlines, and prairies; tens of millions of acres of forests preserved; 9 new national monuments created;
•Safe Drinking Water Act
•Reinventing Government Initiative to streamline the federal government
•Smallest federal workforce in 40 years
•Lowest percentage of GDP spending since the Johnson Administration
•21st Century Community Learning Centers/After-school programs (Your humble Presidential historian wrote one of these after-school program grants and funded a program for over 100 kids in Sacramento for 6 years, so I’ll always appreciate President Clinton for this)
As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve watched PBS’s new, four-hour-long documentary of Bill Clinton twice in the past week. Because it was so good, it reminded how good the other PBS American Experience documentaries about Presidents are, so I started watching some of the other editions that I have on DVD, thanks to the awesome The Presidents Collection boxed set.
The Presidents Collection is a boxed set of feature-length documentaries on some of the most influential 20th Century Presidents from PBS’s American Experience. It contains 15 DVDs and over 35 hours of documentary goodness on Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Harry Truman, The Kennedys, Lyndon B. Johnson, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W. Bush.
I spent most of the evening watching the Woodrow Wilson documentary (2 discs/165 minutes long) and almost halfway into the 194-minute-long documentary on George H.W. Bush. I’ve watched these before, but I always forget how good they are. They are detailed and definitive, rich with historic video footage and photographs, and accompanied by commentary from our finest historians and historic figures. Even the reenactments aren’t cheesy like reenactments can so frequently be.
I highly recommend checking out The Presidents Collection, and the boxed set of 5 DVDs from the 2000 series, The American President, which features shorter documentaries on every single President up to Bill Clinton.
(By the way, do you know what is a really amazing piece of historic footage? The grainy video of the U.S. Navy submarine Finback pulling a 20-year-old George H.W. Bush from the Pacific Ocean a few hours after he was forced to parachute into the water from his crippled plane when it was shot down by the Japanese. It’s unbelievable that was caught on film. Oh, and that’s another reason why I include George H.W. Bush near the top of the list when people ask me which Presidents were badasses.)
I’m watching the entire new four-hour PBS American Experience DVD on Bill Clinton…again. I rarely watch something twice, and certainly not twice in the same week. If you haven’t seen the Clinton documentary, it’s a must-see — as all of PBS’s American Experience documentaries tend to be.
If you haven’t seen it, go order it right now.
•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Barack Obama, former President George W. Bush, and former President Bill Clinton prior to a press conference on aid for Haitian earthquake victims•
OBAMA: Alright, George, you wanna handle this press conference?
BUSH: Hell no. I’m retired. Clinton loved this shit, why don’t you go be President again, Bill?
CLINTON: Nope. I wanted the job back for the longest time, but even I didn’t have to deal with crap like this.
OBAMA: Come on, guys. Help a brother out.
BUSH: I didn’t even think I’d have to come back here again. Why didn’t you call my dad to do this?
OBAMA: Your dad is 162 years old. I think he’s done enough for his country
CLINTON: Yeah, plus you’re SO good at handling disasters, George.
BUSH: I’m never going to live that Katrina thing down, am I?
OBAMA: You did drop the ball on that one.
BUSH: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was hanging out with President Obama. Can you tell me where to go so I can show that I care about black people, Kanye West?
CLINTON: Come on, guys. This is for the people of Haiti.
OBAMA: George, I’ll never criticize your administration again if you take all the questions in this press conference.
BUSH: Fuck that. I’d rather be the taste-tester for Haitian drinking water.
CLINTON: You might not want to say that into the microphone.
OBAMA: Seriously, one of you guys needs to take this one. I need a break. Bill…I’ll send Hillary on a diplomatic trip to Neptune if you handle this.
CLINTON: Nope. You’re on your own, kid. I had my issues with Haiti in 1994. Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there like I did.
OBAMA: But that was a political crisis, not a catastrophic disaster. It is vastly more dangerous now.
BUSH: Exactly. Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there. I hate those dudes.
CLINTON: Ditto. They are total dicks.
OBAMA: What do I have to do? I’m begging you guys…just this once…wait…what are you two laughing at?
BUSH: Nothing…it’s just that…
CLINTON: Don’t tell him!
BUSH: I have to, man. I feel bad for him.
OBAMA: What is it?
CLINTON: Fine. We were going to play a practical joke on you. When all the Presidents get together for a press conference like this, one of the ex-Presidents usually unzips his pants and lets a ball slide out while the current President speaks.
OBAMA: Jesus.
BUSH: Yeah…Bill actually did it at my Inauguration!
CLINTON: Oh, that wasn’t a practical joke. I was trying to hook up with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
BUSH: You hit that? I always pegged you more as a Sandra Day O’Connor fan.
CLINTON: Yeah, I nailed her, too.
OBAMA: Guys, I don’t need this.
CLINTON: When I was President, Gerald Ford pulled his entire dick out behind my back at the NAFTA press conference. You remember that, George?
BUSH: Nah, I was drunk until sometime in 1996.
OBAMA: Alright, it’s time. You guys might want to stop laughing.
CLINTON: Shit, what do we care? Constitutionally, we’re not even allowed to run for President again! What do we have to lose?
OBAMA: People’s respect? It might tarnish your legacies.
CLINTON: Legacies? I got impeached and Dubya started like fifteen wars that we KNOW of.
BUSH: He’s right, Barack. Hell, we might both pull our balls out.
OBAMA: Please…think of the people in Haiti.
CLINTON: He’s got a point, George. We’ll just give Obama a wedgie instead. Oh…shhh…here’s the press. Serious faces.
BUSH: I can’t stop smiling.
CLINTON: Think of Hillary and Condoleeza Rice passionately kissing each other while wearing white latex bodysuits and standing in the middle of some sprinklers.
BUSH: Jesus Christ. I wish you would have taught me that trick when I was President so I didn’t come across as such a smarmy prick all the time.
OBAMA: Alright…just go back into the White House, please. I got this.
motherless-child Asks:
deadpresidents Said:
That’s so tough to say because it’s impossible to measure and we’ve covered so much time. There’s no way to compare recent Presidents with early Presidents like Thomas Jefferson or John Quincy Adams who had classical educations and spoke or read numerous languages.
If you go by university degrees, Woodrow Wilson is the only President to achieve a doctorate. Personally, I think the two most intelligent Presidents have been the two Presidents who have done a couple of the dumbest things: Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton. They just seem to have had an unbelievable understanding of nearly everything that they tackled, whether it was in their wheelhouse or not. We haven’t seen too many leaders who operated on that intellectual level.
•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Barack Obama, former President George W. Bush, and former President Bill Clinton in the Oval Office•
OBAMA: I can’t do it, Bill.
CLINTON: Seriously, Barack, just send her to Antarctica. Have her plant a flag there, or open an embassy.
OBAMA: There are treaties that preclude that. You know this.
CLINTON: How about the Moon?! First Secretary of State on the Moon! She’d be all for that. She’d love that.
OBAMA: Bill, I can’t just keep sending Hillary out of the country.
BUSH 43: Heh, heh, heh…he wants to get rid of Hillary!
OBAMA: Yes, George.
CLINTON: Fine…isn’t there some sort of trouble going on in North Korea.
OBAMA: Well, yes, but I can’t send her to North Korea. She can’t go there.
CLINTON: Why? I did! I went there and everything turned out fine. Send her. For like a month! Have her fix it and win a Nobel Peace Prize. Don’t you want someone from this country to actually earn a Nobel Peace Prize?
OBAMA: Okay, that was inappropriate.
BUSH 43: See, he just wants to get Hillary out of the country! Heh, heh, heh.
OBAMA: No, I get it, George. I understand what he wants.
BUSH 43: Here’s my impression of Bill: “Get Hillary out of here!”. That’s what Bill is saying, Barack. Heh, heh, heh.
OBAMA: WE GET IT, GEORGE. WE GET THE FUCKING JOKE.
CLINTON: Jesus Christ, Dubya, are you drinking again?
BUSH 43: I’ve been drinking since 2004.
OBAMA: See, I told you, Bill.
CLINTON: Okay, I owe you $20 on that. But, for real, how about sending Hillary to Croatia?
OBAMA: Croatia? Why Croatia?
BUSH 43: Because he wants to get her out of the country!
OBAMA: ——
BUSH 43: Sorry, you get it. My bad. (Ahem) Yeah, why Croatia, Bill?
CLINTON: Croatia is where I had Commerce Secretary Ron Brown go when there was some trouble brewing and I needed to make his plane “crash into a mountain”, if you know what I mean?
OBAMA: What?! No, I don’t “know what you mean”.
CLINTON: I mean…no…you know, Croatia is beautiful. Great beaches. Have her open an embassy there? (Wink, Wink)
OBAMA: Why are you winking at me like that?
BUSH 43: Bill wants you to get rid of Hillary so he can get some poontang.
OBAMA: Goodbye. Both of you.
CLINTON: The Gulf of Mexico! She can plug the oil leak with her fat ass!
OBAMA: Please get the fuck out of my office.
CLINTON: I still nailed an intern on your desk.
Anonymous Asks:
deadpresidents Said:
Because Al Gore ran away from Clinton during the 2000 campaign due to the Lewinsky scandal. By running away from Clinton, he also ran away from everything the Clinton Administration accomplished — which was wildly popular even through the impeachment crisis. Gore didn’t want Clinton campaigning for him, even though Clinton was (and still is) the best politician in the country, and it cost him the election. Gore didn’t even win his own home state.
•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President George W. Bush, President-elect Barack Obama, former President Bill Clinton, and former President George H.W. Bush in the Oval Office•
BUSH 43: Bill…Holy shit, this guy’s really black!
CLINTON: Dude, you screwed up so badly that America elected a black guy.
BUSH 43: I thought it was just a rumor. I didn’t know he was seriously a black dude. Like…wow…he’s not white. We elected a black President!
CLINTON: You know, I think we can take him. I’ll dive for the legs and you get him in a headlock.
BUSH 43: And then what?
CLINTON: Well, I’ll just get my shit and move in. Don’t tell Hillary. We’re going to keep it on the DL this time around.
BUSH 41: What are you guys whispering about over there?
BUSH 43: Nothing, Dad! (Whispers to Clinton) Is that old fart ever going to kick it? He’s not supposed to outlive me. John Quincy Adams must have had it easy when his dad croaked.
CLINTON: He’s in better shape than any of us — including Tiger Woods over there.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself) Holy shit, I can’t believe America elected me. I’m black for fuck’s sake! A black President! This isn’t the movies! I’m not Morgan Freeman in “Deep Impact”!
BUSH 43: I know that I have to be President until January 20th, but do I really have to do anything? I need a vacation. Can’t I just go home now?
CLINTON: Well, I was pardoning people up until the moment the Chief Justice administered the Oath. I mean, seriously, I was literally pardoning people while I sat on the dais at the Inauguration in 2001.
BUSH 41: Hey son, how about you stop whispering and start acting Presidential. Shake this colored fella’s hand. He won’t get any on you.
OBAMA: What?
BUSH 43: Don’t worry, Arsenio, he lost his mind on his last parachute jump. He’s just a crazy old man.
BUSH 41: A crazy old man who will open a can of whoop-ass on you, Junior.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself) I wonder if I still have to be President if I just run out the doors right now. This is like inheriting the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.
CLINTON: You know what’s strange? It still smells like cigars and fat girls in here.
BUSH 43: I had the carpet cleaned, but I think you pretty much ruined the Oval Office with that Lewinsky crap.
CLINTON: Yeah, we should definitely overlook the economic growth, budget surplus, and welfare reform simply because I got frisky with an intern.
BUSH 41, OBAMA & BUSH 43 SIMULTANEOUSLY: A FAT INTERN!
CLINTON: Alright, I get it. As if impeachment wasn’t embarrassing enough.
BUSH 41: I knew I should have worn a diaper.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself) First of all, I wonder if Papa Bush realizes he said that out loud. And, secondly, I’m beginning to realize I made a HUGE mistake. I could be playing basketball in Hawaii for the next eight years! Also, I’M BLACK! I’m not saying we can’t be in charge; I’m just saying we SHOULDN’T be in charge yet! Tupac said so in “Changes”.
BUSH 43: What are we here for again? And why is Jimmy Carter cut out of the picture? Hey, Bryant Gumbel, why are you standing next to my dad?
OBAMA: You’re running out of light-skinned black celebrities, aren’t you?
BUSH 43: Yes, Mario Van Peebles. Okay, I’m definitely out of them now.
BUSH 41: Hey Clinton, why do you have a boner?
CLINTON: I don’t know. This room just reminds me of spraying spider webs all over blue dresses.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself) I could probably get out of this situation right now if I say something in Arabic.
BUSH 41: Now which one of us says “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”?
•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring former President Bill Clinton and former Vice President Al Gore•
GORE: Why are you touching me like this?
CLINTON: Just go with it.
GORE: Whatever, bro.
CLINTON: So, we cool now? It’s been a little frosty since 2000
GORE: Yeah, man, we’re cool.
CLINTON: Well, I’m glad I could go out to North Korea and free those chicks for you.
GORE: I appreciate that, but you know that you didn’t do it alone, right?
CLINTON: (Laughs) Yeah, sure, Al.
GORE: Dude, don’t fuck it up again. I’d be building my Presidential Library right now if it weren’t for that shit you pulled with the fat girl in the Oval Office.
CLINTON: You mean Tipper?
GORE: Oh, no you didn’t. You did not just go there.
CLINTON: Oh, yes I did.
GORE: Still an asshole, huh, Bill?
CLINTON: Still not a former President, huh, Al?
GORE: I make a difference in other ways; I’ve been getting things done as a private citizen.
CLINTON: Sure you have. Like when you flew to North Korea to rescue those chick…oh, wait a second…who had to get the job done? That’s right, it was Bill Clinton.
GORE: Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying. I just remembered I need to get my Oscar and Nobel Prize trophies polished.
CLINTON: You think that shit bothers me, cuz? I had my finger on the button, my man.
GORE: First of all, I ain’t your man. Secondly, everyone knows Hillary was running shit.
CLINTON: Wow…I’ve NEVER heard that one before. Hasn’t any creativity rubbed off on you while you’ve been waddling around Hollywood for almost 10 years?
GORE: You’re the one with the bad heart.
CLINTON: True. Amazingly, my heart was strained due to hard work from those years where I was President of the United States. You know how hard it was…oh, I’m sorry, that’s right, you lost.
GORE: Because of you! I lost because of you!
CLINTON: You lost because you ran away from me, you pussy. Do you know how many things I accomplished?
GORE: Of course, I remember that historic moment…wait, what was it again…oh yeah, when you became the 2nd President to be impeached. Bra-fucking-vo.
CLINTON: How’s that global warming fight going on? All fixed now? Thank God for that movie. Apparently, that was all it took considering you haven’t done a damn thing since then.
GORE: This is breaking down…listen, I don’t want to beef anymore. Let’s squash this shit, like Jay-Z and NaS. We’re getting too old for this.
CLINTON: I don’t got any beef. It’s not like I see you often anyway, I’m living in New York and you’re out in L.A.
GORE: WEST SIDE!
CLINTON: Whatever, dude. Don’t let me catch you in traffic.
GORE: I’m done with this. I’m going to go warn all the fat girls that Slick Willie’s around and his wifey isn’t keeping tabs on him anymore.
CLINTON: Thanks…that’s basically being my wingman. While you’re talking to the fat bitches, tell Tipper to keep that booty tight. I’ll send some Presidential stationery so you can sit at your desk and pretend that you weren’t a loser. I’ll wait for your phone call next time you’re not important enough to get something done by yourself.
GORE: Douche.
•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription•
BUSH 43: Oh my God…being President is SO boring.
LAURA: SHHHHHH!
BUSH 43: No, I will not SHHHHH! I don’t care if I wake him up.
BUSH 41: What are you complaining about? Keep it down.
BUSH 43: I’m tired and I had to go to meetings all day and then sit on an airplane just to watch Santa sleep and it’s not fair.
BUSH 41: That’s not Santa.
BUSH 43: Then why are we here?
LAURA: That’s the Pope, dear.
BUSH 43: Well, then I definitely shouldn’t have to sit here and watch THE POPE sleep!
BUSH 41: He’s not sleeping, Shitbrain! He’s dead!
CLINTON: Keep it down, guys.
BUSH 43: He’s dead?
LAURA: Yes, he passed away, honey.
BUSH 43: (Sadly) Oh no…poor Santa.
BUSH 41: IT’S NOT SANTA!
CLINTON: SHHHHHHH!
BUSH 41: Don’t shush me, Bill. And zip your pants back up, for God’s sake.
CONDOLEEZZA: No, Bill, keep those pants unzipped. I’m bored and it’s time for some Jungle Fever.
BUSH 41: Ewww.
BUSH 43: But who will deliver the presents? Who will feed the reindeer?
LAURA: It’s not Santa, George. It is the Pope.
BUSH 43: Then why are we here?
LAURA: To pay our respects.
BUSH 43: But it’s not Santa.
BUSH 41: Jesus Christ. Great, my son is President of the United States but he’s also a fucking retard. I couldn’t have had a smart garbageman? It’s not like people are going to forget about this in the future. Is it possible for ME to change my name?
BUSH 43: Since he’s dead, can I campaign to be the new Santa?
•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription•
CLINTON: President Reagan, I’m glad we could finally meet. As you know, it’s been pretty busy since I took office, so…
REAGAN: MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS…
CLINTON: No, no, Sir…I’m Bill Clinton. President of the United States. You know, I have your old job.
REAGAN: Are those jelly beans?
CLINTON: Yes, we know that you are a big fan, so here’s a gift from one President to another.
REAGAN: What is?
CLINTON:The jelly beans…it’s your gift.
REAGAN: Whose gift?
CLINTON: Your gift, President Reagan.
REAGAN: I don’t remember buying you a gift.
CLINTON: No, these jelly beans are from me to you.
REAGAN: I will not put up with your Evil Empire’s poison jelly beans, Colonel Qaddafi.
CLINTON: Mr. Reagan, Qaddafi ruled Libya. The Evil Empire was the Soviet Union. I’m the President.
REAGAN: No, I’m the President. MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS…
CLINTON: Yes, you were the President, but you left the White House four years ago…
REAGAN: Where did I leave it? Somebody help us find the White House! NANCY?!?
CLINTON: I mean that you retired four years ago, and I’m the President now. I live in the White House now.
REAGAN: Well, congratulations, here are some jelly beans. I hear that the President enjoys them.
CLINTON: (sighs) No, Mr. Reagan, those jelly beans are for you to keep.
REAGAN: Thank you. Nice to meet you, my name is Charlton Heston.
CLINTON: No, actually, you’re Ronald Reagan.
REAGAN: That hack was a terrible actor! “Bedtime For Bonzo”? How many Oscars did that one win, Ronnie?
CLINTON: Mr. Reagan…
REAGAN: Where?
CLINTON: Maybe this was a bad time. I just wanted to bring you a gift and to pay my respects, Sir.
REAGAN: Thank you for the gift. In return, I’d like to give you these jelly beans.
CLINTON: But…
REAGAN: They are decorated in the colors of the flag.
CLINTON: Thank you, President Reagan.
REAGAN: The President is here? Why didn’t anybody tell me? I would have brought him some jelly beans.
CLINTON: Oh…look at the time. I have to get back to the White House.
REAGAN: Yes, you are a very busy man, Mr. President.
CLINTON: (laughs nervously) Yes, sir, you know that Presidents are very busy.
REAGAN: Can I ask you a favor, President-to-President?
CLINTON: Of course.
REAGAN: MR. GORBACHEV…TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!
CLINTON: (walks out)
REAGAN: YOU FORGOT YOUR JELLY BEANS!
REAGAN: (to his aides) Hahahaha…I think I fooled him. That crazy-old-President-losing-his-mind prank will never get old!
(Partially inspired by Funny or Die’s “Sex Scandal Face” Post!)
Bill Clinton is famously, and sometimes mockingly, remembered for biting his lip before he prepared to say something. At times, it seemed corny or even smarmy, and on Saturday Night Live, it became a staple of the great Phil Hartman’s impression of Clinton during the Clinton Administration.
However, in Michael Takiff’s awesome oral history of Bill Clinton, A Complicated Man, it is revealed that there was much more to Clinton’s lip biting than a goofy quirk. Clinton’s longtime aide and one of the driving forces of his 1992 Presidential campaign, Paul Begala says that Clinton was trained to do the lip biting because Clinton answered questions so quickly that it almost seemed unnatural.
According to Begala:
“He was so smart about so many things but also could connect. The whole thing about his biting his lip — that was coached. Because he would answer so fast. We’d say, ‘Take a beat. Pretend you’re thinking about it. Pretend you haven’t already got an answer.’ It was a studied thing to give himself a second to force himself to slow down.”
Michael Takiff’s A Complicated Man: The Life of Bill Clinton as Told By Those Who Know Him is out now. I reviewed it last month and proclaimed it the best oral history book about a President that I’ve ever read. I highly recommend it, so order it here on Amazon in Hardcover, or download it right now for your Kindle.
