Dead Presidents

Historical facts, thoughts, ramblings and collections on the Presidency and about the Presidents of the United States.

By Anthony Bergen
E-Mail: bergen.anthony@gmail.com

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Pope Francis, Papal Security, and the Papal Gentlemen in St. Peter’s Square•

POPE FRANCIS: Okay, let’s take a ride!
DRIVER:  Your Holiness, we are worried about your security.  Pope John Paul II was in this very same type of vehicle when he was shot and nearly killed.  Can’t we take the Popemobile? 
POPE FRANCIS:  No, my son, things are going to be different around here.  Plus, we need the room.
SECURITY:  But, Your Holiness, you are much too exposed.
POPE FRANCIS:  This is a new day in the Church.  It must be open, accessible, and transparent.  We have nothing to hide.
SECURITY:  Even Pope Benedict XVI rode in the bulletproof Popemobile, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS:  Oh, did he?  Well, last time I checked, Pope Benedict was also a Nazi quitter.  Who cares what he did?
SECURITY:  Well, Pope John Paul II wasn’t a quitter and he…
POPE FRANCIS:  …Enough about him!  He couldn’t spell “quit”.  Because he was Polish.  He spent 25 years trying to change a lightbulb in the Apostolic Palace.  He couldn’t figure it out because he was Polish.  See, Polish people are notoriously dumb.  Do you get what I’m saying?  Or are you Polish?
SECURITY:  Excuse me, Your Holiness?
POPE FRANCIS:  These European Popes have nothing on Francisco!  Viva la raza!  The world has a Latin Pope now.  I can’t wait to put Daytons and hydraulics on this whip.
SECURITY:  Whip?
POPE FRANCIS:  I’m not only the first Pope Francis, first South American Pope, first Pope from the Americas, first Jesuit Pope, and first Pope from the Western and Southern Hemispheres — I’m also gonna be the first Pope to have a spread in Lowrider Magazine!  Órale, vatos!  This is how we do it in Argentina!  El Papa es el shiznit!
GENTLEMAN #1:  We’re approaching the crowd, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS:  Okay, as I said, we have nothing to be ashamed of.  The Church has nothing to hide.  We do our work in front of the people.  Now let’s do the Church’s work.
GENTLEMAN #2:  Holy Father, one of us will be on each side of the vehicle.
POPE FRANCIS:  Okay, there is plenty of room back here, so let’s keep it steady.  Does this vehicle have a trunk?
DRIVER: (Confused) Yes, Your Holiness, a small trunk.
POPE FRANCIS:  That works.  Let’s do this!
GENTLEMAN #1 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Too fat.
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Too skinny.
GENTLEMAN #1 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Pretty sure that one is Jewish.  Throw it back.
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a school-age child
POPE FRANCIS:  Perfect.  Put it in the trunk!
(The Papal Gentlemen continue filling the Pope’s vehicle with children)
POPE FRANCIS:  This is transparency.  A new day for the Church!  Everything in the open!  No shame, no cover-ups.
GENTLEMAN #1 helps a teenager into the Popemobile
POPE FRANCIS:  WHAT THE…NO!  He has facial hair.  Way too old!  What do you think I am?  A Scientologist?
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a baby in purple clothes
POPE FRANCIS:  Eww…THAT’S A GIRL, YOU IDIOT!  I said I’m going to change the Church, not destroy it.
SECURITY:  Your Holiness, there’s no more room in the trunk.
POPE FRANCIS:  Very well.  This is a good start.  Let’s get back to the Papal Apartments, pump these kids full of Cocoa Puffs and Kahlua.  We’ll turn on some Sisqo for the kids and then some El Puma for El Papa.  It’s time to start Popeing!

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