•FROM ONE YEAR AGO: A very special Historically Accurate Transcription from the White House Situation Room•
CLINTON: Oh my God! I can’t believe it!
GATES: I know — I can’t believe Chris Jericho was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.
DALEY: Wendy Williams…that’s a dude, right?
CLINTON: I think so.
BIDEN: I think Bill would still probably hit it.
OBAMA: Guys…let’s get focused. General Webb, would you please change the channel so we can watch this go down.
GENERAL WEBB: I’m trying. Mr. President. I’m not really a PC guy, though.
GATES: I’ve spent my entire term trying to get the government to switch to Macs.
BIDEN: They really do look much cooler.
OBAMA: Again, we’re losing focus.
CLINTON: The President is right.
OBAMA: Of course I am right. That’s why I’m here instead of one of those losers that I ran against in 2008.
CLINTON: Excuse me? Are you really going to do this right now? I am so tired of you rubbing it in. There’s no need for a victory lap.
OBAMA: You see the seal on that white paper cup on the table? It’s mine, not yours.
CLINTON: You’re such a dick sometimes.
OBAMA: And you’re not a President all the time.
GENERAL WEBB: Okay, I’m getting a video feed.
BIDEN: This is going to be great!
GATES: I don’t think this is necessary. We got bin Laden. Why are we doing this again?
OBAMA: I want to see the look on his face. I NEED to see the look on his face.
GATES: That’s kind of sick, isn’t it? I mean, you did it. I’m happy you did it. But this…this is just too much.
BIDEN: I don’t know, Gates. I kind of want to see this, too.
CLINTON: I agree.
OBAMA: Of course you agree, Hillary. You serve at the pleasure of the President — it’s in your best interest to agree.
BIDEN: Hahahaha…hey Barack, you’ll be the first President she pleased! No need for you to find an intern!
CLINTON: Fuck this. I’m out of here. You guys are children.
OBAMA: Children who were victorious in a national election unlike some Secretaries of State that I know.
GENERAL WEBB: There you go — we have video. Do you see him?
OBAMA: Yep, there he is.
GATES: I don’t know if I want to watch this. It’s going to be gruesome.
OBAMA: How is this going to work?
GENERAL WEBB: We’re going to keep the camera trained on his face. Whenever you are ready, we’ll place the call.
GENERAL WEBB: The phone is ringing. Keep watching him. Alright, it’s all yours, Mr. President.
OBAMA: “Hello? Hey, George…it’s Barack. I just wanted to call you and let you know that American forces under my command just killed Osama bin Laden. We got him….yeah…….yes, we did…………yes, I know how badly you wanted it to happen during your Presidency…..oh no, don’t cry, it’s a good day for America….yes, I’m sure that they are tears of joy….if only we were face-to-face so we could share this moment together….yes, President Bush, godspeed……I know……yes……I agree about Chris Jericho, too…..okay, well, we’ll talk soon….goodbye.”
(ROOM ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER)
BIDEN: That was awesome! Did you see the look on his face?
DALEY: It was priceless. It looked like someone told him that gay people were giving abortions to illegal immigrants while they were doing stem cell research!
BIDEN: He looked like he did when he was reading “My Pet Goat”!
OBAMA: That was cruel. He was crying. I was having such a hard time trying not to laugh.
BIDEN: Tears of joy? I’m sure. I’m so glad we got to see video of that.
GATES: I’ve never seen something so mean.
GENERAL WEBB: We still have a video feed for a few more minutes.
BIDEN: Let’s see if he starts drinking.
OBAMA: Should we just have someone else call and say, “Hey, congratulations on killing bin Laden!” and then say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I think I called the wrong President.”?
BIDEN: We should get Hillary back in here.
OBAMA: Yes, tell her the President needs some coffee.