Dead Presidents

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Barack Obama, former President George W. Bush, and former President Bill Clinton prior to a press conference on aid for Haitian earthquake victims•

OBAMA: Alright, George, you wanna handle this press conference?
BUSH: Hell no.  I’m retired.  Clinton loved this shit, why don’t you go be President again, Bill?
CLINTON: Nope.  I wanted the job back for the longest time, but even I didn’t have to deal with crap like this.
OBAMA: Come on, guys.  Help a brother out.
BUSH: I didn’t even think I’d have to come back here again.  Why didn’t you call my dad to do this?
OBAMA: Your dad is 162 years old.  I think he’s done enough for his country
CLINTON: Yeah, plus you’re SO good at handling disasters, George.
BUSH: I’m never going to live that Katrina thing down, am I? 
OBAMA: You did drop the ball on that one.
BUSH: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was hanging out with President Obama.  Can you tell me where to go so I can show that I care about black people, Kanye West?
CLINTON: Come on, guys.  This is for the people of Haiti.
OBAMA: George, I’ll never criticize your administration again if you take all the questions in this press conference.
BUSH: Fuck that.  I’d rather be the taste-tester for Haitian drinking water.
CLINTON:  You might not want to say that into the microphone.
OBAMA: Seriously, one of you guys needs to take this one.  I need a break.  Bill…I’ll send Hillary on a diplomatic trip to Neptune if you handle this.
CLINTON:  Nope.  You’re on your own, kid.  I had my issues with Haiti in 1994.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there like I did.
OBAMA: But that was a political crisis, not a catastrophic disaster.  It is vastly more dangerous now.
BUSH: Exactly.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there.  I hate those dudes.
CLINTON: Ditto.  They are total dicks.
OBAMA: What do I have to do?  I’m begging you guys…just this once…wait…what are you two laughing at?
BUSH: Nothing…it’s just that…
CLINTON: Don’t tell him! 
BUSH: I have to, man.  I feel bad for him. 
OBAMA: What is it?
CLINTON: Fine.  We were going to play a practical joke on you.  When all the Presidents get together for a press conference like this, one of the ex-Presidents usually unzips his pants and lets a ball slide out while the current President speaks.
OBAMA: Jesus.
BUSH: Yeah…Bill actually did it at my Inauguration!
CLINTON: Oh, that wasn’t a practical joke.  I was trying to hook up with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
BUSH: You hit that?  I always pegged you more as a Sandra Day O’Connor fan.
CLINTON: Yeah, I nailed her, too.
OBAMA: Guys, I don’t need this.
CLINTON: When I was President, Gerald Ford pulled his entire dick out behind my back at the NAFTA press conference.  You remember that, George?
BUSH: Nah, I was drunk until sometime in 1996.
OBAMA: Alright, it’s time.  You guys might want to stop laughing.
CLINTON: Shit, what do we care?  Constitutionally, we’re not even allowed to run for President again!  What do we have to lose?
OBAMA: People’s respect?  It might tarnish your legacies.
CLINTON: Legacies?  I got impeached and Dubya started like fifteen wars that we KNOW of. 
BUSH: He’s right, Barack.  Hell, we might both pull our balls out.
OBAMA: Please…think of the people in Haiti.
CLINTON: He’s got a point, George.  We’ll just give Obama a wedgie instead.  Oh…shhh…here’s the press.  Serious faces.
BUSH: I can’t stop smiling.
CLINTON: Think of Hillary and Condoleeza Rice passionately kissing each other while wearing white latex bodysuits and standing in the middle of some sprinklers.
BUSH: Jesus Christ.  I wish you would have taught me that trick when I was President so I didn’t come across as such a smarmy prick all the time.
OBAMA: Alright…just go back into the White House, please.  I got this.