•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Herbert Hoover and President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt•
HOOVER: Oh, don’t bother getting up or anything. It’s not like I’m still President until noon. Yeah, that’s not disrespectful at all. I’ll just go ahead and pay respects to you. No reason to abide by 150 years of tradition when Franklin D. Roosevelt is involved, right? FDR: My legs are like Americans after four years of your Presidency, Mr. Hoover: They don’t work. HOOVER: My apologies, Mr. President-elect. Maybe someday an inventor will figure out a way for people like you to get around more easily — like, I don’t know, a chair with wheels on it? Imagine the ingenuity! FDR: I know that you’re bitter because I kicked your ass in the election, but what I really want to know is why you have a permanent look of disgust on your face. You’re either a sour, angry man or need to go to the bathroom really bad. HOOVER: You know, I was always curious — are you a beard for Eleanor or are you just naturally attracted to women who look like their faces caught on fire and were extinguished with a sock full of rocks? FDR: Do you feel more in touch with the average American now that you’re going to be unemployed? HOOVER: I’ll answer that question when you tap dance. FDR: Another joke about my disability. Classy. HOOVER: Since you were late arriving at the White House and then broke tradition by rudely forcing me to come outside and greet you, I took it upon myself to think of some helpful hints for living in the Executive Mansion. FDR: I’m sure this isn’t going to be the least bit mean-spirited. HOOVER: Basically, it’s just a map of where the elevators are, President Linguine Legs. You might want to install some fire alarms, too. FDR: That’s very nice of you. Should I call you if I want the economy to suffer a devastating and spectacular crash? You seem to be the expert on instigating financial disasters. HOOVER: You must save a lot of money on shoes. Do you just have one spotlessly clean pair with soles that have never touched the ground? FDR: Being able to get by wearing the same pair of shoes is helpful, especially since your economic policies since 1929 forced me to eat my other shoes for sustenance. HOOVER: This may be harsh, but I hope you find yourself engulfed in a vicious World War with the future of the world at stake and end up dying JUST before the end of the conflict. FDR: Or, I could follow the precedent that you set and do absolutely nothing to rectify problems. HOOVER: Does Eleanor get confused and eat out of your dog Fala’s bowl, or is she able to figure out which one is hers? FDR: Totally uncalled for.