•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Abraham Lincoln and General George B. McClellan•
McCLELLAN: But why are you being such a dick? LINCOLN: I’m not being a dick. McCLELLAN: You’re being a dick. LINCOLN: I’m just sayin’…stop frontin’. McCLELLAN: Whatever, dude. You try getting excited about fighting for MARYLAND. LINCOLN: I told you, I’m not letting you retreat to New Hampshire “just in case”. McCLELLAN: You’ll be sorry. You might as well just give Maine to the Confederates now. LINCOLN: You know what you’re problem is, dude? McCLELLAN: What? Tell me what my problem is. LINCOLN: You’re jealous of my height. McCLELLAN: Not cool, homie. Not cool. LINCOLN: Let’s face the facts…I’m 6’4” of frontier goodness and you can fit in my stovepipe hat. McCLELLAN: Are you done with this bullshit? LINCOLN: I’m HONEST ABE…no bullshit from me, “Napoleon-Minus-The-Military-Genius”. McCLELLAN: That’s it… LINCOLN: What? What you gonna do? DO something! I dare you. McCLELLAN: I saw your Twitter - “If General McClellan does not want to use the army, I would like to borrow it for a time.” Real funny…how about your shove your army up your ass? LINCOLN: At least it would finally be doing something. McCLELLAN: Fuck you, dude. LINCOLN: Sorry, I can’t hear you. Can you perhaps stand on the table so the sound reaches my ears, little man? McCLELLAN: Whatever. You’ve turned into a real dick. LINCOLN: Go get me General Burnside and hit the bricks, shorty.